Theres something about him that is just so damn hard to let go. Im writing this because its been quite awhile since we've talked and i dont want to change that, despite what im about to type....
Insanity is commonly defined as doing the same thing expecting different results. I think i have been insane for the last couple years. Lately, like in the last couple months i've been mostly doing my own thing and occasionally slipping and talking to him again then remembering why i stopped in the first place.
I have come to the conclussion that i am still deeply in love with the idea of my ex yet totally and completely despise who he actually is. its a strange place to be. I find it difficult to really move on completely because who he was...who he isnt anymore and i have to remind myself constanly that he never will be again,....who he was is everything i want and more. Its hard to have what you want, or atleast what you think is what you want ,at arms reach and still have to go look for it someplace else. its like subway telling me that dont sell subs.
Moving on is a ridiculously painful process. i miss him everyday. i'm both happy and disappointed everyday when i dont hear from him. i guess in some small way im still expecting..and somewhat morbidly hoping...for him to come-to and realize he's let go of what we had and come running after me. I still cry everyday because he hurt me so deeply and i just dont understand how in hell he could have ever done that to me. i still have nightmares every night. I still cant sleep because hes in all my dreams. I still roll over to cuddle with him then snap awake realizing im in bed alone only to realize what i was doing.
In the process of packing and moving i've been finding all of our happy memories, all the letters full of broken promises and evidence that it was real...which is what caused this random blog...idk how else to get it out and i dont want to keep it in. my heart is so completely broken at the loss of him. im sureeee i'll find someone better suited for me, but that doesnt take away an ounce of the pain. and theres no doubt that i love him unconditionally because no matter what he does or has done to me, i always forgive him and i still want just him...forever... but im chosing to move on because i have to override my feelings for what time has shown me.
a fairly relevent quotes come to mind. "memories keep the feelings alive." true story. so i decided that if i really am moving on and never looking back, i have to kill the memories. that means burn pile, new apartment, and new phone number. I've already deleted all his pictures from my fb profile pic album and im getting rid of all the things we had together. and i made a tough decision for my best interest. i have until sunday and noon to get all the feelings, thoughts, and stories out. i have until i am officially moved out of this apartment. then im not going to speak of it again.
im hoping that if i make the conscious effort not to talk about him it will make me stop thinking about him and give me the opportunity to truly move on. and to ensure he cant call me from his phone or someone elses im thinking of changing my number.thats assuming he would try to..which at this moment seems like a waste of my time because he doesnt want me anymore and im well aware of it. These are important changes for me tho bc they make it so that he wont know where i live, wont know my number, and wont be able to contact me via fb bc i blocked him. *takes a deep breath* i find myself wishing it had just worked. I really loved him....strike that, love him...present tense. it probably wont ever go away. he really was everything i wanted...i just dont get it. but the part of him that ive tried to hold on to for so long is dead and gone and i am only hurting and hindering myself trying to revive it.
So now i lay in my bed, another night thinking of him...missing him, wishing he was here, wishing things were different, wishing i could just wake up and realize that its all been a bad dream. i lay here crying at the knowledge that its over. and eveytime i get the overwhelming urge to give in and call him i force myself to think of every way he has and is hurting me and i put the phone down, roll over and put my face in my pillow and just scream and cry because the pain is too much to bare. here's to another sleepless night.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
how does it feel?
"Every time your phone rings your heart skips a beat because you think it's the one person you were thinking about. how does it feel when its not? or do you find yourself looking to certain places hoping to see that person walking toward you but they never come! how does it feel? do you think about someone almost constantly and want to talk to them but for various reasons cant... how does that feel? do you miss someone so much you have physical pain? how does it feel? do you ever wish you could feel the touch from someone but it never comes... how does it feel? do you miss their smile their laugh the look in their eyes when they look at you! how does it feel? because i feel all this and more everyday! especially right now!"
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
Monday, March 14, 2011
take 5
I have so much going on in my life that i just dont care to share with anyone, but i still want to write. I think i may take a break from blogging and just keep my own private journal for awhile. maybe ill just take notes throughout the week and keep a post once a week....im not sure how i want to do it, i just know i dont want all of my most personal feelings open for the public to see. so blogger, im going on vacation..ill be back.
stairmaster
Jb,
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
killing me softly
i hate you i hate you i hate you! i was doing SO GOOD until this morning when i woke up so upset and so freaked out. i hate having weird dreams. i dreamnt that i was just walking penny and suddenly there were snakes everywhere i looked it was so scary, i could barely move. and then i like ran home and penny shit because she was so scared too and i ran inside and jb was making me this crazy present that he said hed spent an hour on and he got me this white jacket i wanted years ago...and he said he really missed me and he really wanted to cuddle, it seemed so real i was like omgsh me too lets do it then it hurt just that much more to wake up and remember whats really going on. ive done so good lately about not missing him not thinking about him..since friday i have been perfectly okay and then i go and have a stupid dream like that and it makes me upset all over again. then i tried to go back to sleep and dreamnt that i ran into him at school and invited him out for lunch and we ended up back at my house and we were about to hook up and i noticed he was missing condomns and when i asked about it he said he had already hooked up with someone else. i want to beat him stupid right now. i almost gave in and called him to scream at him for being such an asshole...but im sure that wouldnt make any sense for one and i dont want to talk to him, i know im just upset because a stupid dream. i honestly feel so sick like i could throw up right now. i wish i could just be over this whole thing already. i am so tired of missing him and wanting him. i just want to be moved on already. i have to get ready for work....
Friday, March 11, 2011
pursuit of happiness
i need to get out of here, take a vacation alone. im not sure when im gonna go but im definately not telling anyone when i do. my life is just so stressful and im doing my best to just ignore all the bullshit and move ahead but one thing or another always comes up. right now i just want time away from everyone. i dont know if becoming a hermet will really help or not, but i cant deal with anything going on right now.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
tell me its real
I'm finding myself in a really good place in my life right now. I am happy with my job, all my needs are taken care of, i have good friends, and i love my puppy....and for when the dog is annoying i can always play with the kitty. i think jb and i will continue to be good friends and stay in touch and that makes me happy... and i think i've found enough distractions for when i start to miss him from cooking to movies to catching up with new and old friends to painting and scrapbooking...ive got tons of stuff to distract me.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
friends?
i like the new setup in my room...i moved the bed over by the window and reversed where the dresser and tv stand already were to the other side of the room. i like it this way. it takes the focus off of the bed when you first walk in lol. i also ripped off the padding on my headboard...gives it that 'new' feeling.
im laying in bed feeling so sick right now, im not hungover but my stomach hurts sooo bad. i got another letter from jb. it was a bit longer, rambling...sounded like he was happy to hear from me. i think for him his may be one of those points in his life where he realizes thru all the bs im the one who has and is still here. at the end of the day, his friends leave him or go do something else because they arent real friends at all. i hope one day he finds some real value friends rather than the 2faced dramatic instagators and stuck up brown nosed too good for anyone breed of people hes chosen to keep around.
on another note...last night was almost a disaster for a couple friends, and im glad i was able to fixed it....for now. misunderstandings always seem to fly up at the most inconvienent times and if it werent for good friends a great relationship could have been thrown away over a simple miscommunication. crazy how that works.
im really hungry but i most definately do not feel like getting up right now. the dog keeps squeaking and i hear people moving around out in the living room...downside to where i moved my bed is its directly infront of the air vent. im pretty sure thats why i had it like i did before. maybe i can just close the vent. i think im gonna try to get some more rest now...
im laying in bed feeling so sick right now, im not hungover but my stomach hurts sooo bad. i got another letter from jb. it was a bit longer, rambling...sounded like he was happy to hear from me. i think for him his may be one of those points in his life where he realizes thru all the bs im the one who has and is still here. at the end of the day, his friends leave him or go do something else because they arent real friends at all. i hope one day he finds some real value friends rather than the 2faced dramatic instagators and stuck up brown nosed too good for anyone breed of people hes chosen to keep around.
on another note...last night was almost a disaster for a couple friends, and im glad i was able to fixed it....for now. misunderstandings always seem to fly up at the most inconvienent times and if it werent for good friends a great relationship could have been thrown away over a simple miscommunication. crazy how that works.
im really hungry but i most definately do not feel like getting up right now. the dog keeps squeaking and i hear people moving around out in the living room...downside to where i moved my bed is its directly infront of the air vent. im pretty sure thats why i had it like i did before. maybe i can just close the vent. i think im gonna try to get some more rest now...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
busy bee
so far today has been a fairly productive day. ive managed to clean my room and bathroom, clean my linens, do the dishes, take out the trash and clean the living room. ive also walked to the mall and back for lunch, walked bella twice, and had a long conversation with my mom. i feel good about how much ive achieved today. now i just really want a milky way hot chocolate. i think ive had a great day mostly because i heard from jb this morning...he makes me happy in the simpliest ways. now im gonna just relax for a couple hours until i go into work at 6 then im just closing up and comin home to party with the crew.
p.s. i love you
im not sure how i should feel about this but i woke up so sad, all i could think about was jb and the last time he was here laying in bed beside me holding me softly, lovingly...i can still hardly believe this entire week was real. i decided to get online to post the pictures from yesterday to facebook and saw that i had a message in my inbox and i prayed with everything i had it was from him, so you can imagine how happy i was to see it really was from him. it was just a short note telling me that his phone was off so if i had been trying to contact him that was why he hadnt been answering and that he hoped everything was good for me...and even tho he didnt say it or type it..i know that at the end of that short note he was thinking to himself 'i love and miss you'.
at times like these, i feel like were never supposed to be apart...times like these make me truly believe he and i are supposed to be together at the end of all this madness. it makes me think of when i was at the peak of things with jacob, and jb would send me pictures of flowers everyday and how just getting them made my day...it made me so happy to hear from him. he has a way of evoking strong emotions from me, sometimes good sometimes bad... i cant pretend to know why things happened the way they did, i never wanted to hurt him. i would shield him from every pain in the world if i could. I know everything happens for a reason, and i know that one way or another the summer was a pivitol thing for us. i know we need this space so im doing my best to not make amends with him. maybe the space will help him heal..that still doesnt tell me what i was suppose to get out of it. i never stopped loving jb...at times i decided not to deal with how he was treating me or what he was putting me thru, but nothing can take away from the way i feel about him.
i am still trying to just sit back and let life go however it may and not attempt to control anything because i feel life works best that way. so no matter how much i miss him, i am trying to just leave it be. he may think that its suppose to mean i dont care and that not true at all....it just means that this isnt our time. i miss him, and for now i am so very happy i heard from him. im gonna clean and re-arrange my room now. maybe ill go lay by the pool when im done with that. i have work at 6 tonight and were all supposed to go out again to xs just like every wednesday. i wish i could invite jb to come with me...i miss him something terrible. so if by chance he decides to read this he will see just how much i really do think about him, care about him, and love him...
at times like these, i feel like were never supposed to be apart...times like these make me truly believe he and i are supposed to be together at the end of all this madness. it makes me think of when i was at the peak of things with jacob, and jb would send me pictures of flowers everyday and how just getting them made my day...it made me so happy to hear from him. he has a way of evoking strong emotions from me, sometimes good sometimes bad... i cant pretend to know why things happened the way they did, i never wanted to hurt him. i would shield him from every pain in the world if i could. I know everything happens for a reason, and i know that one way or another the summer was a pivitol thing for us. i know we need this space so im doing my best to not make amends with him. maybe the space will help him heal..that still doesnt tell me what i was suppose to get out of it. i never stopped loving jb...at times i decided not to deal with how he was treating me or what he was putting me thru, but nothing can take away from the way i feel about him.
i am still trying to just sit back and let life go however it may and not attempt to control anything because i feel life works best that way. so no matter how much i miss him, i am trying to just leave it be. he may think that its suppose to mean i dont care and that not true at all....it just means that this isnt our time. i miss him, and for now i am so very happy i heard from him. im gonna clean and re-arrange my room now. maybe ill go lay by the pool when im done with that. i have work at 6 tonight and were all supposed to go out again to xs just like every wednesday. i wish i could invite jb to come with me...i miss him something terrible. so if by chance he decides to read this he will see just how much i really do think about him, care about him, and love him...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
beach day getaway
Had a pretty good day...it was nice to get away. The beach always seems to be soothing just when i need it. Hit the gym early this morning, then walked the girls and left for st. augustine around 1. had subway for lunch, laid out on the beach for probably about an hour or two, then decided to hit up the town because the sun was hiding behind clouds most of the time. Once in town, we parked at the visitors center and strolled thru several blocks of the historic downtown area. we went to the oldest pharmacy where they had all kinds of ancient indian remedies. jwoww and i got friendship rings..mine says "j <3 c" and hers says "C <3 J" and we both got them on our wedding ring finger....we're fake married now lol. we casually went in and out of all kinds of shops looking at everything from hermet crabs to sweaters taking pictures all along the way. at one point we even went into an art museum!
we got the most delicious hot chocolate then headed over to the fort to take more pictures...i got some really great ones. we headed back to the car and came back to town. once we got back to gainesville we let the girls out again, and headed up to the hot tub. it was a great way to end a good day... ive really been missing jb...i know the seperation is best but it still doesnt stop me from wishing he was here or that i could hear his voice just once more. i was texting him randomly throughout the day a couple days ago and he stopped answering, so i did my best to not talk to him at all yesterday which i am proud to say i accomplished..it was really hard. this morning on the way to the beach a song came on and made me think of him and i gave in and texted him to no avail (he still didnt answer).
so when i got home and in bed, i decided i would call and see why he hasnt been answering me. as it turns out, his phone is off. makes sense..and makes me feel better. atleast i know he isnt ignoring me on purpose. or atleast im pretty sure he isnt. i guess we'll see what happens. maybe the idea that i cant reach him anyway will make me stop trying. im watching a sappy sad love movie about a widow, and im so annoyed by the cat at the moment because she is destroying my bathroom. i am hoping getting some rest will make me feel a bit more productive tomorrow...i still really want to move around my room. and i really hope i get a good nights rest, i feel like i havent slept in days.
we got the most delicious hot chocolate then headed over to the fort to take more pictures...i got some really great ones. we headed back to the car and came back to town. once we got back to gainesville we let the girls out again, and headed up to the hot tub. it was a great way to end a good day... ive really been missing jb...i know the seperation is best but it still doesnt stop me from wishing he was here or that i could hear his voice just once more. i was texting him randomly throughout the day a couple days ago and he stopped answering, so i did my best to not talk to him at all yesterday which i am proud to say i accomplished..it was really hard. this morning on the way to the beach a song came on and made me think of him and i gave in and texted him to no avail (he still didnt answer).
so when i got home and in bed, i decided i would call and see why he hasnt been answering me. as it turns out, his phone is off. makes sense..and makes me feel better. atleast i know he isnt ignoring me on purpose. or atleast im pretty sure he isnt. i guess we'll see what happens. maybe the idea that i cant reach him anyway will make me stop trying. im watching a sappy sad love movie about a widow, and im so annoyed by the cat at the moment because she is destroying my bathroom. i am hoping getting some rest will make me feel a bit more productive tomorrow...i still really want to move around my room. and i really hope i get a good nights rest, i feel like i havent slept in days.
Monday, March 7, 2011
race
I just woke up, and i feel so empowered and motivated. I had this crazy dream, and i am a big believer in your dreams being your unconscious speaking to you so i always look them up and 99% of the time they are spot on.
In the dream, i was at my dads house with my whole family (mom, step dad, brother, sister, step mom and dad). my sister and i are playing and she realizes my mom left us there. i got really upset and called her and i was like why did you leave, and she said something about us not being ready so she left. then i started yelling at her about how she didn't even tell us she was leaving and she hung up on me. so i called right back she answers i yell so you hang up on me! and she does it again. then I'm like fuck it whatever. i go upstairs to someones bed which has a piss pot installed in it. my mom would never let me use it so i decided i wanted to thinking to myself, ill show her to hang up on me. then my dad yells up the stairs that were leaving.
so i come down and we all start swimming....in the ocean... so i look up and see the city and i yell "daddy, look its so beautiful!" then realize how far out i am and say to myself "Ive never swam this far before" and i guess my dad heard me and said "well lets see how much farther you can go." suddenly theres an announcer over a loud speaker telling everyone about our race...and i think the race was supposed to be the entire length of Florida. when i got to the end of Florida there was a wall with a stop light and a small island to my left with little kids playing building sand castles.
I think, well if i can swim this far why stop here? so i turn around and keep going. i guess i was the first to reach the wall but it didn't really become a race until i turned around to go back. then i was racing my dad, my brother, some old hot guy, and my sister. the announcer kept saying who was in what place and i just kept pushing to be the best. i reached the wall at the beginning of Florida and everyone cheered for me. we got out of the water and my mom was there to pick up my brother. he was like i got second place in the race. my mom congratulated him and said we should go celebrate and he says i cant i just got arrested. so we went to bail him out and suddenly we were all animals. i don't remember who was who, but i know my cuteness got the guard to let us go...then i woke up..
according to dreammoods, which is my very favorite site to look up my dreams, this is what it meant:
To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation
To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.
To dream that you are running in a marathon, represents life's journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it.
To dream that you are in a race, represents your competitive spirit and how you tend to measure yourself against others.
If you dream that you win a race, then it represents your full potential and your ability to achieve your goals. You are feeling empowered and able to overcome your obstacles and those who stand in your way.�The dream gives you confidence and may be a "rehearsal" for your success.
To dream that you are being arrested, indicates issues of control and restraint. Some aspect of your Self may have been prevented from fully developing.
To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.
And my horoscope for today said: Things are about to change for you. Whether that change is good remains to be seen -- knowing your track record, however, things will likely take a turn for the worse. It's really out of your hands. All you can do is hope for the best.
and the tarot part said "don't interfere with the natural progression and development of things that out of my hands at the moment, but know it is about time for a change. 'Give me a minute and it'll come to me'."
After all of that i feel like i am need to look my pain and fear right in the face and take it on. i know i will come out on top...and that everything will be more than just okay. my dreams seemed to be a sign of comfort and reassurance from God that everything will work out for the better, not to give in but rather to just let it go and see what great things happen when you let nature take its course. I feel like i need to stop sulking over the break up and start moving on. i need to just let go of trying to control the situation and let it take its coarse. i need to face the terrible horrible painful emotions I'm gonna have to go thru that way i lose all my baggage and come out on a-okay on top of everything ready to move on and be myself. i need to not worry about other people and know that i am not ready to bring someone else into my life right now. my life is this big messy emotional construction site....but when its done, life will be so much easier to manage. i know I'm gonna definitely need support from my friends and family to get thru it, but i also know they are all happy to help me move on and they want to see me succeed.
In the dream, i was at my dads house with my whole family (mom, step dad, brother, sister, step mom and dad). my sister and i are playing and she realizes my mom left us there. i got really upset and called her and i was like why did you leave, and she said something about us not being ready so she left. then i started yelling at her about how she didn't even tell us she was leaving and she hung up on me. so i called right back she answers i yell so you hang up on me! and she does it again. then I'm like fuck it whatever. i go upstairs to someones bed which has a piss pot installed in it. my mom would never let me use it so i decided i wanted to thinking to myself, ill show her to hang up on me. then my dad yells up the stairs that were leaving.
so i come down and we all start swimming....in the ocean... so i look up and see the city and i yell "daddy, look its so beautiful!" then realize how far out i am and say to myself "Ive never swam this far before" and i guess my dad heard me and said "well lets see how much farther you can go." suddenly theres an announcer over a loud speaker telling everyone about our race...and i think the race was supposed to be the entire length of Florida. when i got to the end of Florida there was a wall with a stop light and a small island to my left with little kids playing building sand castles.
I think, well if i can swim this far why stop here? so i turn around and keep going. i guess i was the first to reach the wall but it didn't really become a race until i turned around to go back. then i was racing my dad, my brother, some old hot guy, and my sister. the announcer kept saying who was in what place and i just kept pushing to be the best. i reached the wall at the beginning of Florida and everyone cheered for me. we got out of the water and my mom was there to pick up my brother. he was like i got second place in the race. my mom congratulated him and said we should go celebrate and he says i cant i just got arrested. so we went to bail him out and suddenly we were all animals. i don't remember who was who, but i know my cuteness got the guard to let us go...then i woke up..
according to dreammoods, which is my very favorite site to look up my dreams, this is what it meant:
To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation
To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.
To dream that you are running in a marathon, represents life's journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it.
To dream that you are in a race, represents your competitive spirit and how you tend to measure yourself against others.
If you dream that you win a race, then it represents your full potential and your ability to achieve your goals. You are feeling empowered and able to overcome your obstacles and those who stand in your way.�The dream gives you confidence and may be a "rehearsal" for your success.
To dream that you are being arrested, indicates issues of control and restraint. Some aspect of your Self may have been prevented from fully developing.
To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.
And my horoscope for today said: Things are about to change for you. Whether that change is good remains to be seen -- knowing your track record, however, things will likely take a turn for the worse. It's really out of your hands. All you can do is hope for the best.
and the tarot part said "don't interfere with the natural progression and development of things that out of my hands at the moment, but know it is about time for a change. 'Give me a minute and it'll come to me'."
After all of that i feel like i am need to look my pain and fear right in the face and take it on. i know i will come out on top...and that everything will be more than just okay. my dreams seemed to be a sign of comfort and reassurance from God that everything will work out for the better, not to give in but rather to just let it go and see what great things happen when you let nature take its course. I feel like i need to stop sulking over the break up and start moving on. i need to just let go of trying to control the situation and let it take its coarse. i need to face the terrible horrible painful emotions I'm gonna have to go thru that way i lose all my baggage and come out on a-okay on top of everything ready to move on and be myself. i need to not worry about other people and know that i am not ready to bring someone else into my life right now. my life is this big messy emotional construction site....but when its done, life will be so much easier to manage. i know I'm gonna definitely need support from my friends and family to get thru it, but i also know they are all happy to help me move on and they want to see me succeed.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
:-/
i miss him. I cant wait to not feel anything anymore. i cant wait to be over it all. im happy its over. i really do think its for the best, at the least for right now. and ya i guess eventually i had to sit and feel it. my friends just keep telling me to be strong and push thru it... and i guess that would be alot easier to do if old memories didnt keep creeping in. i randomly thought about how he was at the begining of august, all the promises he made.... and broke...right along with my heart. my friends post said something about stop trying to find someone to love bc he will come along when your busy loving yourself....i guess i need to learn to do that. i sometimes think that one day he and i will end up getting back together, but recently i feel like its just never going to be possible. i wish he had some way to see exactly how i feel....whatever. i think i need to just go to sleep.
afterhours
today was such a long day. I found this nature trail nearby my place and decided to walk with bella down it and since it was in the woods i took her leash off and let her run free. She seemed like she had so much fun exploring and she never ran too far ahead of me. It was a nice change of scenery to be out on a 'hike' with bella. I also was looking on craigslist for a new car, im hoping to get one using the money im getting from my student loan. theres so much other crap i wanted to blog about but i dont feel like having feelings right now so i guess thats it lol.
Friday, March 4, 2011
when one door closes, another one opens.
So now im accepting what he wants to do.... things are over for natty jo and i. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks but it had to be done. the last couple years have been hell on us both. on tuesday he left me, late wednesday night/thursday morning he deleted me from his friends list then today he made his wall private so i couldnt see it and i decided i needed to just move forward.. its for the best...so i blocked him, more so that i cant look at his stuff rather than him being able to see mine.
I wish things could have worked out differently. This is how our last converstaion (which just happened) went:
Me: Im giving your brother you things.
him: okay thanks
me: mmhmm
me: i blocked you to make this easier on me. i dont know when we will talk again, but if you need to reach me you know my number.Sorry things couldnt work out better. Good luck with everything
him: lol same to you
me: if i see you out ill be civil just like i was today. i want you to know i do love you and i do care and i hope that we can be friends one day. if you ever need me ill be here.
him: ya ok
I did all i could do for this relationship, and it just wasnt working. so like i told my loko, he may have the satisfaction of walking away first, but i have the satisfaction of being able to say i was here and i tried no matter how hard it was on me. so now im putting him in the same box as jacob..the "i care and love you but you left me and im okay with that but dont you ever come back because this door is closed" box...the "im still processing these emotions but im moving on anyway" box.
I wish things could have worked out differently. This is how our last converstaion (which just happened) went:
Me: Im giving your brother you things.
him: okay thanks
me: mmhmm
me: i blocked you to make this easier on me. i dont know when we will talk again, but if you need to reach me you know my number.Sorry things couldnt work out better. Good luck with everything
him: lol same to you
me: if i see you out ill be civil just like i was today. i want you to know i do love you and i do care and i hope that we can be friends one day. if you ever need me ill be here.
him: ya ok
I did all i could do for this relationship, and it just wasnt working. so like i told my loko, he may have the satisfaction of walking away first, but i have the satisfaction of being able to say i was here and i tried no matter how hard it was on me. so now im putting him in the same box as jacob..the "i care and love you but you left me and im okay with that but dont you ever come back because this door is closed" box...the "im still processing these emotions but im moving on anyway" box.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
murphys law
just when it seems nothing else could possibly go wrong, my life keeps finding ways to prove me wrong. its 4am, and for some reason I'm rolling around in bed. i was damn near passed out about an hour ago. maybe it has something to do with the cat meowing, the dog making weird sounds, and the radio being on... after an hour of rolling i decided to get on facebook only to see natty jo deleted me from his friends. i don't even know what to think about this whole situation. i keep thinking is this shit real? apparently it is...just its all so sudden and out of the blue, i don't understand how i even got to this point.
I'm doing my best to just stay happy and not think about it because thinking about it depresses me. so I've stayed busy and hung out with friends. tonight i had a great time just hanging out with jwoww and bieber and his friends, it was so different than most times we go out. i guess maybe natty jo saw my status update about having fun and seen my picture change and got upset and decided to delete me. i guess i should just let him go and try to get over it, but its all out of the blue. i don't know why i want to talk to him so damn bad. every time i check his page i always say damn that was a bad idea why did i do that...so i don't know why i keep doing it. now i just feel sick. tomorrow is going to be such a long day. i have work until 3 then class until like 8.
at least i can't sit on facebook all day because i dropped my phone and broke the screen so i had to buy a new one. i hope things start coming together for me soon...this week has been terrible. i keep thinking what else could possibly happen?! and then something else happens and I'm always baffled...i am doing my best to stay positive and see the bright side to all this bullshit. like my roommate when ape shit on us so we told the office and they said if she doesn't play nice shes out. then i lost my bus pass and had to get another one. then the shit with natty Jo, i lost him because he went thru my stuff and decided he couldn't handle this 'relationship' anymore...downside i miss him like hell, upside..
i guess i can start moving on and try to make myself happy and maybe he will be happier too. i hope we can stay friends. then broke my phone....upside i did it within the 30 days so i still get the discounted price, downside i have to buy a new phone...i guess another upside is i need a new phone anyway. its like starting over right? I'm so sad about the way everything is going but I'm happy no one is leaving me alone. night time is the hardest, but i guess i have to feel the pain at some point. all i can do is take this one day at a time.
I'm doing my best to just stay happy and not think about it because thinking about it depresses me. so I've stayed busy and hung out with friends. tonight i had a great time just hanging out with jwoww and bieber and his friends, it was so different than most times we go out. i guess maybe natty jo saw my status update about having fun and seen my picture change and got upset and decided to delete me. i guess i should just let him go and try to get over it, but its all out of the blue. i don't know why i want to talk to him so damn bad. every time i check his page i always say damn that was a bad idea why did i do that...so i don't know why i keep doing it. now i just feel sick. tomorrow is going to be such a long day. i have work until 3 then class until like 8.
at least i can't sit on facebook all day because i dropped my phone and broke the screen so i had to buy a new one. i hope things start coming together for me soon...this week has been terrible. i keep thinking what else could possibly happen?! and then something else happens and I'm always baffled...i am doing my best to stay positive and see the bright side to all this bullshit. like my roommate when ape shit on us so we told the office and they said if she doesn't play nice shes out. then i lost my bus pass and had to get another one. then the shit with natty Jo, i lost him because he went thru my stuff and decided he couldn't handle this 'relationship' anymore...downside i miss him like hell, upside..
i guess i can start moving on and try to make myself happy and maybe he will be happier too. i hope we can stay friends. then broke my phone....upside i did it within the 30 days so i still get the discounted price, downside i have to buy a new phone...i guess another upside is i need a new phone anyway. its like starting over right? I'm so sad about the way everything is going but I'm happy no one is leaving me alone. night time is the hardest, but i guess i have to feel the pain at some point. all i can do is take this one day at a time.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Rhyme or reason
Everything happens for a reason. To my friends who are (and have been) here when i need them, thank you so much. None of you will understand just how much it means to me. Tonight, i almost broke down and called him but i reached out to my friends and got a great response and now i don't feel alone. He read my blog today... and understandably he was deeply hurt and he left. he told me we were seriously over. I left work an hour before i intended to because i couldn't control my emotions and i wanted to try to manage the situation...which didn't work. so i tried just continuing what i was planning on doing today as if he was just busy. Class went well, i really like the teacher and i know a couple people in the class so that's nice. i have work in 8 hours. another sleepless night. i miss him but i feel like we need this break and i should leave him be. but i want him to know i love him dearly. i guess whatever is meant to be will be.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
just another day
Today i was totally productive i was so proud of myself :) i woke up at a decent hour, went to the gym...worked out so hardcore i couldnt breathe or lift my purse to my sholder lol. when i got home i had 25 minutes to shower, change, walk bella, eat, and make it back to the bus stop to get to work and i totally did all of it except eat with 10 minutes to spare but because of the bus i was late. work was soooo busy all the way until we closed. good day tho. my manager gave me a ride home, and i walked bell then changed clothes and did a load of laundry and called natty jo...who immediately caught an attitude about idk what bc i put the phone down. no way im listening to him complain especially when it is most deff not my fault lol. im just relaxing snuggled in my covers happy to be home. idk what were doing tnite but im happy to be here. i dont think im gonna let natty jo come over bc i dont want to fight, and...and it looks like he decided to go downtown with his guy friends anyway. whatever im just gonna enjoy my night. and tomorrow i think jwoww and i are gonna spend the day at lake wahberg so that'll be nice and relaxing.
What the hell?!?
Have you ever looked up at the clouds and screamed at God, "What the hell?!". Well i have, and most recently i did it today. Yes i totally understand that i am incapable of seeing the 'big picture' as God does, and i know that everything happens for a reason and that 99% of the time that reason is soooo far beyond my level of comprehension....but it still never stops me from wondering what in hell He is up to. Every time i try to just make a plan as to how i am going to cope with my life, it never fails that God is like ooh no missy, your gonna do things my way. Well that's fine, your way is probably better than mine anyway....but you don't have to hit me upside the head with it.
So what am i making such a fuss about? Well i wrote this long post about how I'm just gonna live my lifeeee and how I'm gonna just go thru with the weekenddddd and have no worries! right? and so i get on the busss and I'm just minding my business ya know?! I'm going up to the school so i can print a stupid paper and get a couple signatures and batta bing batta boom more financial aid money for my rent, ya? Ya. okay... Well i get off the bus and I'm going thru the process of my plan for the evening in my head trying to think how long all this is gonna take what I'm gonna eat before heading to the gym, blah blah blah...and BAM! As i walk thru the door and look to my right who is sitting there also minding their own business?
Who else but Natty Jo. All i could think was "You have got to be kidding me." So i decide, well i came here for a reason and I'm just gonna continue about my business as planned. So i walk in the computer room to print this paper, which happens to be the same room he was in. I walked right by him without saying a word because, honestly..what was i supposed to say? And naturally he was upset that i walked right by and acted like he wasn't there...i mean, who wouldn't be lol.
So i guess it took me the same amount of time to print as it took him to log off whatever he was doing because he walked out the door seconds before i did...like as long as it takes to exit out of Internet explorer seconds. And i was like hmm....whatever, until i realized we were going in the same direction....then i was thinking "Really God, like...really?". It seemed a bit to in-your-face to be a coincidence, and so i felt compelled to call him and ask why he left.
We had this big long (like 20-30 minutes) conversation that was mean and cold hearted and he wouldn't take the blame for anything and i certainly wasn't going to say it was my fault either, just an overall bad talk for anyone to be having..very defensive.. and i found myself wondering why i thought it was a sign to run into him, i mean what was i thinking...so i start crying because i was so mad at myself for being a complete and total retard while still on the phone with him and he goes and changes the topic all together!!! Hes just like, "so, what are you here for anyway". ummmm what difference does it make why I'm here?!?! lol... so i stay on the phone with him while getting my paper work done and as I'm on my way to get my last signature, i run right smack into him, well not literally into him but like we ended up wandering around into the same building. So we got off the phone, i explain that I'm in a rush and i have 10 minutes to complete my signatures and catch the bus. he walks with me and suggests we get something to eat....I'm not completely sure why i was so happy to see him,especially not after the horrid conversation we JUST finished having...and i can't really understand why he also seemed relieved to be with me but considering how happy i was i said yes. i mean its just lunch and besides he agreed to tag along to what i was doing so it wasn't out of the way.
So were on our way to the bus stop and he realizes he has lost his wallet...so i wave the last bus going from the school to the mall on and help him search for his wallet. We start looking everywhere he was, and i keep asking where he last remembered having it. As were back tracing, it never occurred to him to start looking where he last remembered having it...so i suggest starting there first because we were being faced with the fact that everything was closing. Naturally i was right and we found it and decided to go to Sonny's for dinner.
We chatted a bit as we walked and during the meal and on the way back over to the school and for the hour after we got to the school. I don't remember a single thing we talked about, and i have no idea how time flew by so quickly. Next thing ya know, the last bus to the school is about to leave and we got on it together. He was gonna get off at a friends house to deal cards for the evening and i was headed back home. When we were almost to where he was gonna get off i was suddenly sad again and i couldn't help but think "What the hell God? i just finally decided that your telling me to face my feelings and move on just this afternoon and just like every time, you bring him and those happy feelings right back! but why?!? i don't get what your doing up there! Could you PLEASE make your will a tad bit more evident, because I'm confused as to what you want right now."
So he left and i went about my way. Came home, did alot of cleaning and laundry and finally uploaded pictures from Valentines day then went to a movie with Jwoww. Good movie btw, we went to see Just Go With It. And now I'm home...sitting in my bed....hungry...wondering what on earth is going on in my life. i really just want some semblance of stability. i would love to either be single or in a committed relationship, but i don't want to do whatever this is. i want a normal 9-5 job, and i want to not come home to a psycho roommate and i want to have my own car and i wish my dog was potty trained...i just want a normal life and a chance at happiness. So now, like always, i have no clue what is going on. i guess I'm just gonna find some grub and go to sleep and my plan (so completely un-concrete lol) is to wake up and have a hearty breakfast and go to the gym then come home, get showered and go to work. I guess we'll see just how far off i am when this time tomorrow comes around.
So what am i making such a fuss about? Well i wrote this long post about how I'm just gonna live my lifeeee and how I'm gonna just go thru with the weekenddddd and have no worries! right? and so i get on the busss and I'm just minding my business ya know?! I'm going up to the school so i can print a stupid paper and get a couple signatures and batta bing batta boom more financial aid money for my rent, ya? Ya. okay... Well i get off the bus and I'm going thru the process of my plan for the evening in my head trying to think how long all this is gonna take what I'm gonna eat before heading to the gym, blah blah blah...and BAM! As i walk thru the door and look to my right who is sitting there also minding their own business?
Who else but Natty Jo. All i could think was "You have got to be kidding me." So i decide, well i came here for a reason and I'm just gonna continue about my business as planned. So i walk in the computer room to print this paper, which happens to be the same room he was in. I walked right by him without saying a word because, honestly..what was i supposed to say? And naturally he was upset that i walked right by and acted like he wasn't there...i mean, who wouldn't be lol.
So i guess it took me the same amount of time to print as it took him to log off whatever he was doing because he walked out the door seconds before i did...like as long as it takes to exit out of Internet explorer seconds. And i was like hmm....whatever, until i realized we were going in the same direction....then i was thinking "Really God, like...really?". It seemed a bit to in-your-face to be a coincidence, and so i felt compelled to call him and ask why he left.
We had this big long (like 20-30 minutes) conversation that was mean and cold hearted and he wouldn't take the blame for anything and i certainly wasn't going to say it was my fault either, just an overall bad talk for anyone to be having..very defensive.. and i found myself wondering why i thought it was a sign to run into him, i mean what was i thinking...so i start crying because i was so mad at myself for being a complete and total retard while still on the phone with him and he goes and changes the topic all together!!! Hes just like, "so, what are you here for anyway". ummmm what difference does it make why I'm here?!?! lol... so i stay on the phone with him while getting my paper work done and as I'm on my way to get my last signature, i run right smack into him, well not literally into him but like we ended up wandering around into the same building. So we got off the phone, i explain that I'm in a rush and i have 10 minutes to complete my signatures and catch the bus. he walks with me and suggests we get something to eat....I'm not completely sure why i was so happy to see him,especially not after the horrid conversation we JUST finished having...and i can't really understand why he also seemed relieved to be with me but considering how happy i was i said yes. i mean its just lunch and besides he agreed to tag along to what i was doing so it wasn't out of the way.
So were on our way to the bus stop and he realizes he has lost his wallet...so i wave the last bus going from the school to the mall on and help him search for his wallet. We start looking everywhere he was, and i keep asking where he last remembered having it. As were back tracing, it never occurred to him to start looking where he last remembered having it...so i suggest starting there first because we were being faced with the fact that everything was closing. Naturally i was right and we found it and decided to go to Sonny's for dinner.
We chatted a bit as we walked and during the meal and on the way back over to the school and for the hour after we got to the school. I don't remember a single thing we talked about, and i have no idea how time flew by so quickly. Next thing ya know, the last bus to the school is about to leave and we got on it together. He was gonna get off at a friends house to deal cards for the evening and i was headed back home. When we were almost to where he was gonna get off i was suddenly sad again and i couldn't help but think "What the hell God? i just finally decided that your telling me to face my feelings and move on just this afternoon and just like every time, you bring him and those happy feelings right back! but why?!? i don't get what your doing up there! Could you PLEASE make your will a tad bit more evident, because I'm confused as to what you want right now."
So he left and i went about my way. Came home, did alot of cleaning and laundry and finally uploaded pictures from Valentines day then went to a movie with Jwoww. Good movie btw, we went to see Just Go With It. And now I'm home...sitting in my bed....hungry...wondering what on earth is going on in my life. i really just want some semblance of stability. i would love to either be single or in a committed relationship, but i don't want to do whatever this is. i want a normal 9-5 job, and i want to not come home to a psycho roommate and i want to have my own car and i wish my dog was potty trained...i just want a normal life and a chance at happiness. So now, like always, i have no clue what is going on. i guess I'm just gonna find some grub and go to sleep and my plan (so completely un-concrete lol) is to wake up and have a hearty breakfast and go to the gym then come home, get showered and go to work. I guess we'll see just how far off i am when this time tomorrow comes around.
Friday, February 25, 2011
All the above.....
Honestly, i hurt. i dont know what else to say about it. im so mixed up and confused. I had a dream that scared the shit out of me last night, i almost got bit by an alligator. i woke up screaming and decided to look it up, and basically it says the same thing i already knew. i need to stop beating around the bush and face my emotions. then i had another scary dream i was in a stadium that looked like something straight out of a harry potter movie and this guy kept coming after me and i remember trying to hide at the very top so he couldnt reach me and he grabbed my leg from below the stairs and i looked up and yelled for natty jo to help me and he just sat and watched...i was so scared, some random people from the stands next to me helped get the guy off my leg and i ran into this scary castle and this crazy werewolf girl was trying to kill me and idk what connection it had but i had to reorganize the candy in this vending machine bc something she ate made her turn into a werewolf and i think being with or near natty jo made these scary characters try to kill me. i woke up almost in tears, and just turned on some music.
i just sat there and thought, i really do miss what he and i once had...i wish we still did have it. but the truth of the matter is that we dont anymore, and im tired of hurting. i saw his post about wondering what im up to, i guess it makes me feel a bit better to know he's still thiking about me...but i keep wondering what i should do now. i feel like i should try to move forward. he keeps making comments about how he feels like its a repeat of the summer, and honestly thats not it. im just tired of dealing with the bullshit. he just keeps calling me an ex and a close friend, so why should it matter if i move on if thats all i am to him? and if he feels like its a repeat of the summer why the fuck doesnt he do something to change what hes doing so it doesnt turn out the same way?! my mom always told me if your about to crash dont let go of the wheel because you'll get hurt worse that way. i take that advice into my day to day life. ive been doing my best to steer my way thru all the bullshit hes throwing my way and im almost outta gas....i cant do this anymore....i keep holding on to the hope that ill wake up and things will be different and they never are...its like a never ending nightmare.
i miss the old us so much and nothing ever compares to it. i guess thats really why i came back, because he was being everything i wanted. its sad to think about letting him go, i know he isnt offering me anything these days and we all realize it isnt working...but i miss the old us...so bad it hurts. i cry everytime i think about it. i need to move forward, and i guess the only thing that comes to mind that i can realistically do is not call or text him and just try to live my life one day at a time. hang out with my friends, go to work, go to class, hit the gym, take care of bella...just live my life..time and God will take care of the rest. i know one day, probably sooner than later, ill have to face him missing me and i dont know how ill respond to that.
i just know im tired of the way i feel right now. so today i am trying to pick myself up off the floor, get to santa fe to finish up stuff with my classes, and i am gonna hit the gym and my friend invited me to chill at the cabana pool with her and her friends...i said i might come over if i have time. i think me and loko might do something tonight, hopefully ill do something with either her or jwoww.... i know i need to do something to get him off my mind for awhile. i need to get happy.....or as loko put it, i need to find my joy.
i just sat there and thought, i really do miss what he and i once had...i wish we still did have it. but the truth of the matter is that we dont anymore, and im tired of hurting. i saw his post about wondering what im up to, i guess it makes me feel a bit better to know he's still thiking about me...but i keep wondering what i should do now. i feel like i should try to move forward. he keeps making comments about how he feels like its a repeat of the summer, and honestly thats not it. im just tired of dealing with the bullshit. he just keeps calling me an ex and a close friend, so why should it matter if i move on if thats all i am to him? and if he feels like its a repeat of the summer why the fuck doesnt he do something to change what hes doing so it doesnt turn out the same way?! my mom always told me if your about to crash dont let go of the wheel because you'll get hurt worse that way. i take that advice into my day to day life. ive been doing my best to steer my way thru all the bullshit hes throwing my way and im almost outta gas....i cant do this anymore....i keep holding on to the hope that ill wake up and things will be different and they never are...its like a never ending nightmare.
i miss the old us so much and nothing ever compares to it. i guess thats really why i came back, because he was being everything i wanted. its sad to think about letting him go, i know he isnt offering me anything these days and we all realize it isnt working...but i miss the old us...so bad it hurts. i cry everytime i think about it. i need to move forward, and i guess the only thing that comes to mind that i can realistically do is not call or text him and just try to live my life one day at a time. hang out with my friends, go to work, go to class, hit the gym, take care of bella...just live my life..time and God will take care of the rest. i know one day, probably sooner than later, ill have to face him missing me and i dont know how ill respond to that.
i just know im tired of the way i feel right now. so today i am trying to pick myself up off the floor, get to santa fe to finish up stuff with my classes, and i am gonna hit the gym and my friend invited me to chill at the cabana pool with her and her friends...i said i might come over if i have time. i think me and loko might do something tonight, hopefully ill do something with either her or jwoww.... i know i need to do something to get him off my mind for awhile. i need to get happy.....or as loko put it, i need to find my joy.
Monday, February 21, 2011
one hell of a weekend
So much shit happened this weekend, it feels like im trying to describe an entire month. Thursday...i barely remember thursday. I know i took jwoww to class, got checkers and came right back to get her lol. i know i went to chillis with loko and natty jo for drinks then watched jersey shore.....but thats about as much as i recall. Friday was hell....i worked from 830 in the morning until 7 that night, doing almost everything myself because my manager was a lazy asshole not to mention it was day 1 of my monthly...natty jo was a bit upset that i pretty much passed out when i got home, but shit i was tired. we were suppose to do gator nights, but he convinced me to take a nap which turned into going to bed lol. Saturday i picked up my paystub (went thru so much trouble bc i thought it was a check lol) then paid my rent and went to work. saturday sucked beside the point of working another long ass day because i knew just how beautiful it was outside and i was stuck in the mall....wahhhhh....lol. i made a point of going out saturday night, and a friend of mine whom i havent hung out with in months came along. we went to status, and were supposed to go to a party after but ended up staying at my house. that was interesting....and sunday i slept in then enjoyed a day paddle boating around lake wahberg with jwoww and gettin some much needed sun and girl time. we decided were gonna try to do it every sunday :) im crossing my fingers we can go to the beach today, but jessica says she doesnt feel well....bummer. if i had my own car i would just go, actually i would have gone yesterday. whatever. im sad that i was suppose to be on a mini vacation right now and since everyone decided they didnt wanna go im here instead. i suppose i could have rented a car and gone anyway, but id rather save the money. guess we'll see where today takes me.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
indescribable
The only word that sums up the last few days is indescribable, but not necessarily in a great way. I'm sitting in bed hungover wondering how i got myself back into this crazy and fun but very empty in a lonely way and somewhat confusing lifestyle. I'd be lying if i said i hated going out...but I'm gonna say it anyway. Going out is a great ego boost because so many guys try to talk to me, but it also makes me feel really lonely. I meet alot of cute guys out, but for one i only really wanna be out with one person (who i am currently kicking myself for even wanting to talk to) and for two, im sure they all only want the one thing im not interested in..sex...my friends keep telling me i should give one of these guys more than a passing glance but unfortunetly im an emotional cutter and i seem to like the pain and agony of being in a "close friendship" with my ex.
In the last few days, i have done everything i can to help the people around me and do something nice for everyone who means something to me. I have excelled at work, spent money enjoying and enhancing my life, and got presents/surprises for my close friends. I really really want to take my bestfriend out to eat, but she never lets anyone pay for her and i honestly dont want her to be mad at me for convincing the waitress to not let her pay..but i would really enjoy treating her to a nice meal and a movie. maybe if she reads this she will suddenly agree to let me take her out =D
I got my nose repierced and its been sore the last couple days...sucks, i cant wait for it to heal. also, im so thoroughly annoyed with my roommate. we had this crazy silent war last night that has been ongoing for a long while, and came to a peak last night. Jwoww decided to hang a four loko poster on the bar, which is pretty much out of site and then we went out (i went to the store she went to the gym) and when we got home there was a buddah picture in place of a basketball poster we had up, there were skate boards hanging from the ceiling, there was a "marajuana" picture above the back door, and some of her personal pictures were up...it looks God awful.
So i sat and deliberated about what to do. Obviously she knows that im not gonna ask her to take it down, and i actually only had an issue with the buddah. i feel religion and politics are two things you just dont put out in a common area unless its a shared point of view, and even then maybe not. So since she decided to put her stuff out, i put out every cross or jesus picture i had in the living room. I hung all the most ridiculous stuff and then she proceeded to hang more skateboards. whatever, if she wants the place to look like a skatepark more power to her....but she apparently got the idea about the buddah because she took it down. then (im pretty sure in a mocking attempt) she hung a picture which i think broke when it fell because of her banging with duct tape. Because we dont have the 'decency' to use frames.
I'm just kind of rolling my eyes at the pettiness/ imaturaity and choosing to ignore it. i only have to live with her for a few more months and im sure it will go by fast. I actually ran into one of her close friends last night and apparently she has the exact same problems with her old roommates and thats why she moved to this apartment. Her friend told me i should just talk to her, but that my roommate is pretty unwiliing to meet any compromise, she just wants things her way and thats it. Oh well dear roommate, i want them my way too and if i have to be annoyed by your petty bullshit well then your going to be annoyed by mine. This crap is so dumb lol.
In the last few days, i have done everything i can to help the people around me and do something nice for everyone who means something to me. I have excelled at work, spent money enjoying and enhancing my life, and got presents/surprises for my close friends. I really really want to take my bestfriend out to eat, but she never lets anyone pay for her and i honestly dont want her to be mad at me for convincing the waitress to not let her pay..but i would really enjoy treating her to a nice meal and a movie. maybe if she reads this she will suddenly agree to let me take her out =D
I got my nose repierced and its been sore the last couple days...sucks, i cant wait for it to heal. also, im so thoroughly annoyed with my roommate. we had this crazy silent war last night that has been ongoing for a long while, and came to a peak last night. Jwoww decided to hang a four loko poster on the bar, which is pretty much out of site and then we went out (i went to the store she went to the gym) and when we got home there was a buddah picture in place of a basketball poster we had up, there were skate boards hanging from the ceiling, there was a "marajuana" picture above the back door, and some of her personal pictures were up...it looks God awful.
So i sat and deliberated about what to do. Obviously she knows that im not gonna ask her to take it down, and i actually only had an issue with the buddah. i feel religion and politics are two things you just dont put out in a common area unless its a shared point of view, and even then maybe not. So since she decided to put her stuff out, i put out every cross or jesus picture i had in the living room. I hung all the most ridiculous stuff and then she proceeded to hang more skateboards. whatever, if she wants the place to look like a skatepark more power to her....but she apparently got the idea about the buddah because she took it down. then (im pretty sure in a mocking attempt) she hung a picture which i think broke when it fell because of her banging with duct tape. Because we dont have the 'decency' to use frames.
I'm just kind of rolling my eyes at the pettiness/ imaturaity and choosing to ignore it. i only have to live with her for a few more months and im sure it will go by fast. I actually ran into one of her close friends last night and apparently she has the exact same problems with her old roommates and thats why she moved to this apartment. Her friend told me i should just talk to her, but that my roommate is pretty unwiliing to meet any compromise, she just wants things her way and thats it. Oh well dear roommate, i want them my way too and if i have to be annoyed by your petty bullshit well then your going to be annoyed by mine. This crap is so dumb lol.
Monday, February 14, 2011
WAHHH!!!!
So i am 90% sure i am getting sick....which comes to me as no surprise considering everyone i know has been deathly ill for the last couple weeks. i thought i made it through without catching the cooties, but today ive been cranky and not feeling well. So i did my best to overdose on vitamin c in hopes to kill whatever bug might have been there, then took a steamy hot shower (which im just gonna do again in less than 8 hours) and now im getting ready for bed. even though ive been asleep most of the day, im still exhausted and achy. for once i wish natty jo was here so he could take care of me. recently he's been pretty good at it. I guess he figured out im a really big drama queen cry baby when im not feeling well and all i need is attention and whatever it takes to make me fall asleep lol. almost makes me feel bad for my mother, i cant imagine what i brat i was to raise! I am not looking forward to tomorrow in any way. I hate valentines day, with a passion.. it is the most ridiculous holiday ever....well besides labor day and presidents day lol.....and i have work in the morning. Atleast i like my job lol. Anywho, im gonna call it a night.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dueces
Somehow i think I've gotten writers block in the last couple days. I've come to the blank screen of a new blog nearly 20 times and every time i have no idea what to say, but i don't want to get out of the habit of blogging so here goes my aimless ramblings.
Lately i have been VERY unsatisfied with the way things are in my life and i guess the idea of getting a new job, my tax return, and financial aid all at about the same time makes changes a bit more available. So i started making plans to redecorate my bedroom, and pay forward a couple things and take a big chunk out of my rent. I figured all that would take stresses out of my life and help me successfully move forward. Then i woke up this morning and one of my best friends suggested going to Vegas in her blog...lets just say it sounds so much better for a life changing event than all the stuff i had planned. But its pretty much one or the other, because i definitely don't have the money to do both. I can throw down like 6 or 700 for the trip, or i was planning on using 375 for myself....
So here's the choice: responsible or fun? Either way i will do something to change my life and make it more relaxed and enjoyable. One way will be a cheaper variety of changes combined to help make the immediate future easier to deal with and possible give me a leg up.... the other is one trip, a nice vacation loaded with drunk and crazy times to jump start my 'new life'. The first choice sounds like the smartest but when will i have the chance to go to Vegas with my lokobitch?! Vegas is a once-in-a-lifetime-do-it-while-you-can kinda things, and we have been planning to go since she last came back (which was forever ago) and the problem has always been i never have the money. So what better time than now?!
Lately i have been VERY unsatisfied with the way things are in my life and i guess the idea of getting a new job, my tax return, and financial aid all at about the same time makes changes a bit more available. So i started making plans to redecorate my bedroom, and pay forward a couple things and take a big chunk out of my rent. I figured all that would take stresses out of my life and help me successfully move forward. Then i woke up this morning and one of my best friends suggested going to Vegas in her blog...lets just say it sounds so much better for a life changing event than all the stuff i had planned. But its pretty much one or the other, because i definitely don't have the money to do both. I can throw down like 6 or 700 for the trip, or i was planning on using 375 for myself....
So here's the choice: responsible or fun? Either way i will do something to change my life and make it more relaxed and enjoyable. One way will be a cheaper variety of changes combined to help make the immediate future easier to deal with and possible give me a leg up.... the other is one trip, a nice vacation loaded with drunk and crazy times to jump start my 'new life'. The first choice sounds like the smartest but when will i have the chance to go to Vegas with my lokobitch?! Vegas is a once-in-a-lifetime-do-it-while-you-can kinda things, and we have been planning to go since she last came back (which was forever ago) and the problem has always been i never have the money. So what better time than now?!
Friday, February 11, 2011
TGIF
So even though I barely got any sleep, this morning i feel amazing! Last night before i laid down for bed at like midnight i threw on the Jesus jams and opened my bible to Psalms. I didn't even get through the first verse before finding an answer to my prayer about this long strenuous relationship. It said to avoid destructive relationships...now I realize that may seem like sort of a common sense thing, but this relationship hasn't always been bad and I am certainly not one to give up when the going gets tough. He meant more to me than whatever issues we were having so i just kept praying that God would tell me if i was suppose to persevere or if i was suppose to walk away....and after a year and a half I finally got my answer. I called loko because i was so excited about finding an answer and then I put my phone on silent, said my prayers, and laid down for bed.
Somewhere around 2:30am, when I was in a very deep sleep i suddenly woke up and checked my phone to see Natty Jo attempting to talk to me. I felt compelled to call him back and put him in his place, and that is exactly what i did. He said something along the lines of me being delusional and how one day I would suddenly wake up and look back and appreciate everything he did for me so I, in return, released 18 months of repressed anger and pain and let him know just how I feel about everything he has put me through for his selfish reasons and how I have always endured anything he threw my way with a smile on my face none the less and how I just might look back one day but it will be saying thank God i didn't stay.
He seemed to suddenly understand everything he has done to me/ put me through and suddenly appreciated my even being here especially for as long as I was in addition to the things I did for him (because for him, just being present is enough). So getting it all out felt so damn good. I slept like a baby and woke up feeling happy and refreshed. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore ever again, but I am so glad I did just this once. TGIF!!!
Somewhere around 2:30am, when I was in a very deep sleep i suddenly woke up and checked my phone to see Natty Jo attempting to talk to me. I felt compelled to call him back and put him in his place, and that is exactly what i did. He said something along the lines of me being delusional and how one day I would suddenly wake up and look back and appreciate everything he did for me so I, in return, released 18 months of repressed anger and pain and let him know just how I feel about everything he has put me through for his selfish reasons and how I have always endured anything he threw my way with a smile on my face none the less and how I just might look back one day but it will be saying thank God i didn't stay.
He seemed to suddenly understand everything he has done to me/ put me through and suddenly appreciated my even being here especially for as long as I was in addition to the things I did for him (because for him, just being present is enough). So getting it all out felt so damn good. I slept like a baby and woke up feeling happy and refreshed. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to him anymore ever again, but I am so glad I did just this once. TGIF!!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
perfection
So i watched Jersey shore with loko tonight, and at the end of the episode this song played, and i swear it is exactly how i feel....all of it...to the tee, i needed this song. Im glad i found it. Verse 2 explains why i did stay for so long and verse 1 is how i feel right now. actually the whole song is how i feel right now, but especially verse 1.
Ally Cupcake- We Would've Broken Up
[Verse 1:]
I want you to know that when I leave
It'll be the last you'll ever see of me
I tried so damn hard to fix you
To make you believe in what I see
If you want to be broken, be broken
I won't dare try to mend you again
I've tried my best to get through
But there's no getting in
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
[Verse 2:]
I tell myself that this time
Something's going to change
That you'll look into my eyes
And your heart will fall in place
Well you need space
Darling, you're such a headache
I'm not sure
How much I can take
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote
[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote
I want you to know that when I leave
It'll be the last you'll ever see of me
I tried so damn hard to fix you
To make you believe in what I see
If you want to be broken, be broken
I won't dare try to mend you again
I've tried my best to get through
But there's no getting in
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
[Verse 2:]
I tell myself that this time
Something's going to change
That you'll look into my eyes
And your heart will fall in place
Well you need space
Darling, you're such a headache
I'm not sure
How much I can take
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote
[Bridge:]
Drop everything baby
The bottle is calling
Whoa, you're sinking
Fall down, pass out
No you can't feel a thing
And if you start to honey
Just keep drinking
[Chorus:]
When I go, I'll pack my bags
Won't leave a note
No second chance
No, that's all we wrote
When I go, I won't be back
Don't ask me for
A second chance
No, that's all I wrote
excessive much?
So most of yesterday was pretty great...unfortunately loko and natty jo were both sick and tay just didn't answer so it was jwoww bieber and me. I chugged out of my bottle of wine, got ready and went out. When we got there, I had countless drinks and soooooo much fun :) There was dancing and singing, and yelling and it was awesome not to have to worry about anyone but me. I ran into a friend from high school, who is apparently gay which is sooo perfect because its like a guy and girl friend all in one!! lol i think it was his twenty first birthday.
after we left i made a call i probably shouldn't have and definitely could have gone without dealing with, especially for how drunk i was...i called natty jo...at first it was funny, then i made mention of the fact that he was "too sick" to come hang out with me, but that he would probably be well enough to visit savar and he got all mad and defensive and kept saying he didn't know. then he hung up and ignored all my attempts to talk to him and i got severely ridiculously unreasonably upset...i think i almost went insane because all i could think was fuck hes doing it to me again....and i simply cant do this. i contacted everyone who has ever told me they would be there if i needed them and as always not a single person answered.
eventually i messaged beiber because he was with jwoww and they both came over and saved me from insanity...thank God they were here. i put my phone on silent and turned on the shower and just sat down in the tub...apparently i fell asleep because i woke up choking in the water, at least i didn't drown myself lol. i think i was in the shower for an hour. i turned off the water, dried off then turned on the Jesus jams and crawled into bed. the last thing i remember thinking is that there is no way i am letting him do this to me any more.
i woke up with the worlds worst hangover and everything about the night before. i looked thru all the messages and kind of laughed at some of the silliness then thought about what he did to me. i didn't look at any of the pictures on my wall, i actually haven't even been in my room at all today. i decided i am moving on for good. i don't want to talk to him, i don't care how i look to him or his friends. if you truly care about someone, there is no way you would treat them like he has treated me. there are always guys interested in me and i know i can move on and find someone else and no matter what has happened in the past nothing makes what he is doing to me okay.
so today i have spent the entire day on the couch napping off my hangover and ignoring my heartache and just telling myself there is nowhere to go but up. so tonight i am hanging out with loko and watching jersey shore and then i am gonna have a good night. at some point today i am gonna clean my room and take down all his stuff...i haven't decided if I'm gonna be nice and attempt to return it or just throw it all out. i already have plans for this weekend to go to a frat party and I'm gonna look forward to just being happy and doing me. so i guess all that pain was a well needed wake up call telling me it is never going to work.
after we left i made a call i probably shouldn't have and definitely could have gone without dealing with, especially for how drunk i was...i called natty jo...at first it was funny, then i made mention of the fact that he was "too sick" to come hang out with me, but that he would probably be well enough to visit savar and he got all mad and defensive and kept saying he didn't know. then he hung up and ignored all my attempts to talk to him and i got severely ridiculously unreasonably upset...i think i almost went insane because all i could think was fuck hes doing it to me again....and i simply cant do this. i contacted everyone who has ever told me they would be there if i needed them and as always not a single person answered.
eventually i messaged beiber because he was with jwoww and they both came over and saved me from insanity...thank God they were here. i put my phone on silent and turned on the shower and just sat down in the tub...apparently i fell asleep because i woke up choking in the water, at least i didn't drown myself lol. i think i was in the shower for an hour. i turned off the water, dried off then turned on the Jesus jams and crawled into bed. the last thing i remember thinking is that there is no way i am letting him do this to me any more.
i woke up with the worlds worst hangover and everything about the night before. i looked thru all the messages and kind of laughed at some of the silliness then thought about what he did to me. i didn't look at any of the pictures on my wall, i actually haven't even been in my room at all today. i decided i am moving on for good. i don't want to talk to him, i don't care how i look to him or his friends. if you truly care about someone, there is no way you would treat them like he has treated me. there are always guys interested in me and i know i can move on and find someone else and no matter what has happened in the past nothing makes what he is doing to me okay.
so today i have spent the entire day on the couch napping off my hangover and ignoring my heartache and just telling myself there is nowhere to go but up. so tonight i am hanging out with loko and watching jersey shore and then i am gonna have a good night. at some point today i am gonna clean my room and take down all his stuff...i haven't decided if I'm gonna be nice and attempt to return it or just throw it all out. i already have plans for this weekend to go to a frat party and I'm gonna look forward to just being happy and doing me. so i guess all that pain was a well needed wake up call telling me it is never going to work.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
dont start no shit wont be no shit
actually feeling kinda proud of myself. i feel the i totally flipped the script on him. for the last few days I've been the one sad, just shy of begging to see him crying myself to sleep because i miss him so much..i guess my way of coping with it is trying to distance myself which conveniently is exactly what he wanted from he anyway (to not care). So we had plans to chill tonight, with a group of friends its something me and bieber put together on like Saturday i think, and after the last few days I've been going back and forth all day about whether i want to see him or not. so when he said he was sick i said i would understand if he stayed home and when he said he could come but didn't have a way over i was like oh I'm sorry. then he started talking to me about how he wanted me..physically...and i was like I'm sorry lol. oh well man, you better want what you asked for because your most definitely getting it. so I'm kinda just trying not to give a fuck, its a lot easier not to hurt and just do my thing this way. that's not to say i wont feel differently later but as of right now, he can kiss my freezing cold ass.
on another note, i ran into my apartment manager today while having Bella with me...that was fantastic..he most definitely knows about the dog now lol. I'm nervous to see what happens next. i told them i would bring in the money for my rent in like 10 days or so, but I'm a bit nervous that I'm gonna give them everything i have then end up evicted for having a dog and be broke and on my ass. idk, guess we'll see where it goes from here. jwoww suggested that we could live with her mom bc she has a spare room i could stay in..not a bad idea if push comes to shove. at least we wouldn't have to pay rent.
been fighting, thru notes might i add, with my roommate about the most petty shit it almost isn't worth mentioning. She wrote this note and i found it when i was about to leave for work this morning saying please clean up , letting us know she's gonna have ppl staying here and that she wants me to take the pictures off the wall so she could put something else up. I'm totally fine with her request for us to clean up, i was planning on doing it when i got home anyway no big and i was happy she let us know she was having ppl over whatever but there is no reason on Gods green earth that i should have to take my stuff down because she either doesn't like it or wants to put something else there.
its a common area, it means we all share it. its not just hers. so i made a complaint at the front office, wrote her a petty ass note back since she apparently isn't ever home to speak directly to and told her they re staying up and if she doesn't like it i hate it for her and shes just gonna have to find somewhere else in the house to put her "matching picture". do i care if shes mad? hell no. i already tried to keep the peace and all it did was give me a headache. I'm tired of her acting like this is her house. no bitch, we live here too not to mention we were here first. all in all, i guess i just decided i wasn't gonna take shit from anyone today...
"Love me or hate me, its still an obsession." ~ Lady sovereign
on another note, i ran into my apartment manager today while having Bella with me...that was fantastic..he most definitely knows about the dog now lol. I'm nervous to see what happens next. i told them i would bring in the money for my rent in like 10 days or so, but I'm a bit nervous that I'm gonna give them everything i have then end up evicted for having a dog and be broke and on my ass. idk, guess we'll see where it goes from here. jwoww suggested that we could live with her mom bc she has a spare room i could stay in..not a bad idea if push comes to shove. at least we wouldn't have to pay rent.
been fighting, thru notes might i add, with my roommate about the most petty shit it almost isn't worth mentioning. She wrote this note and i found it when i was about to leave for work this morning saying please clean up , letting us know she's gonna have ppl staying here and that she wants me to take the pictures off the wall so she could put something else up. I'm totally fine with her request for us to clean up, i was planning on doing it when i got home anyway no big and i was happy she let us know she was having ppl over whatever but there is no reason on Gods green earth that i should have to take my stuff down because she either doesn't like it or wants to put something else there.
its a common area, it means we all share it. its not just hers. so i made a complaint at the front office, wrote her a petty ass note back since she apparently isn't ever home to speak directly to and told her they re staying up and if she doesn't like it i hate it for her and shes just gonna have to find somewhere else in the house to put her "matching picture". do i care if shes mad? hell no. i already tried to keep the peace and all it did was give me a headache. I'm tired of her acting like this is her house. no bitch, we live here too not to mention we were here first. all in all, i guess i just decided i wasn't gonna take shit from anyone today...
"Love me or hate me, its still an obsession." ~ Lady sovereign
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
throw your hands in the ayer
what a roller coaster of a day. i do believe i have experienced every possible emotion on the color wheel. i laid down to go to bed at about 11, half way expecting Natty Jo to come over after he finished playing beer pong but no later than 1am. I got a phone call around 12:45 to tell me he wasnt coming and i was overcome with emotion. i hate being so disappointed. i couldnt fall back asleep until like 4am and that was only after hours of crying and praying and trying to breathe and heated useless discussions with him about how he basically wants to just be friends.
i dont understand how this is where i am in my relationship after so many years. honestly, i shouldnt have to be flirty and treat you like i just met you after this long. ive put in my time and ive done my work. im not gonna pretend like i just met you asshole. so i cried myself to sleep all alone and woke up a few hours later for my first day of work. i turned on the snooze and rolled back over.
so after sleeping in for an extra 15 minutes, i was running late. i guess i should have gotten up. i walk-ran to work (literally) and still got there 10 minutes late. i had a pretty successful first day however and ended up staying after for like 4 hours. i came home, walked bella and crashed. then loko called and i talked to her for like an hour and walked bell again and realized that it was already 8 something and natty jo still hadnt attempted to contact me all day...so like an asshole i texted him...texted him again...then called. i talked to him for awhile, and told him all about my day without him ever asking how anything went.
i dont think he cares anymore. anyway then i took a hot bath/shower combo and turned on the joy fm and just thought to God... where is my life going? what am i suppose to do? im trying to not direct anything and just let the pieces fall where they may but its hard to not be afraid to get hurt. and i keep remembering last summer and how much pain i went thru and how much happiness i felt afterwards and i keep thinking to myself what if it happens again. what if God has something fantastic in store for me and i just need to let go of mediocre in order to get beyond belief. and ya it might hurt a lot, but the deeper the pain, the greater the appreciation after healing right?
i cant help but be sad and feel alone as i get ready for bed. its when i talk to Natty jo every night, its when he makes me feel like shit because i realize he doesnt want anything but a friend from me, and that until i dont have feelings for him he doesnt really want to see me. but hes the one who had a hissy fit because i wouldnt show him my feelings before and i went thru hell to open up to him and now he doesnt want this either. idk what to do, nothing ever makes him happy. he wants something fresh and exciting and he wants to feel butterflies he says...sounds like something someone else told him and hes just repeating it. whatever. i hate feeling so alone.
i dont understand how this is where i am in my relationship after so many years. honestly, i shouldnt have to be flirty and treat you like i just met you after this long. ive put in my time and ive done my work. im not gonna pretend like i just met you asshole. so i cried myself to sleep all alone and woke up a few hours later for my first day of work. i turned on the snooze and rolled back over.
so after sleeping in for an extra 15 minutes, i was running late. i guess i should have gotten up. i walk-ran to work (literally) and still got there 10 minutes late. i had a pretty successful first day however and ended up staying after for like 4 hours. i came home, walked bella and crashed. then loko called and i talked to her for like an hour and walked bell again and realized that it was already 8 something and natty jo still hadnt attempted to contact me all day...so like an asshole i texted him...texted him again...then called. i talked to him for awhile, and told him all about my day without him ever asking how anything went.
i dont think he cares anymore. anyway then i took a hot bath/shower combo and turned on the joy fm and just thought to God... where is my life going? what am i suppose to do? im trying to not direct anything and just let the pieces fall where they may but its hard to not be afraid to get hurt. and i keep remembering last summer and how much pain i went thru and how much happiness i felt afterwards and i keep thinking to myself what if it happens again. what if God has something fantastic in store for me and i just need to let go of mediocre in order to get beyond belief. and ya it might hurt a lot, but the deeper the pain, the greater the appreciation after healing right?
i cant help but be sad and feel alone as i get ready for bed. its when i talk to Natty jo every night, its when he makes me feel like shit because i realize he doesnt want anything but a friend from me, and that until i dont have feelings for him he doesnt really want to see me. but hes the one who had a hissy fit because i wouldnt show him my feelings before and i went thru hell to open up to him and now he doesnt want this either. idk what to do, nothing ever makes him happy. he wants something fresh and exciting and he wants to feel butterflies he says...sounds like something someone else told him and hes just repeating it. whatever. i hate feeling so alone.
Monday, February 7, 2011
no more mr.grumpy gills
so i was going to write another bitchy post about how much monday sucks and how it should just be removed from the calendar altogether right along with 7am but i for whatever reason decided to check my email first. and in my inbox i found an unexpected reply from the city of gainesville about not recieving my w-2 (because im an idiot and forgot to change my address even tho they sent out an email telling me to do so) and a forwarded copy of this years w-2.
So i logged on to turbo tax and started the basic model and entered all my information in the designated boxes just watching the number in the box titled "Federal tax return" go up like gas prices. Nothing like getting back $1300 to make a depressive, horrible cold rainy monday turn into sunshine and lollipops. i did a litlle dance and saved a copy onto my computer then thanked the Lord seventy million times...i really needed this money. Unfortunetly the money will all go to paying my past due rent rather than into savings so i can move. hopefully i can get my shit together some time soon that way i will meet atleast one of my new years resolutions.
So, in conclusion...monday sucks terribly unless your filing your taxes and getting a much needed refund. Now im gonna open my brand new bottle of wine, turn up the jesus jams, and throw something together for dinner then relax the night away in a candle light soothing warm bath in a final attempt to enjoy my last night off.
--->after thought: i found this song that perfectly describes what i want to say to natty jo...its called lead me by sanctus real. here is the specific chorus :
♫ I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone” ♫
So i logged on to turbo tax and started the basic model and entered all my information in the designated boxes just watching the number in the box titled "Federal tax return" go up like gas prices. Nothing like getting back $1300 to make a depressive, horrible cold rainy monday turn into sunshine and lollipops. i did a litlle dance and saved a copy onto my computer then thanked the Lord seventy million times...i really needed this money. Unfortunetly the money will all go to paying my past due rent rather than into savings so i can move. hopefully i can get my shit together some time soon that way i will meet atleast one of my new years resolutions.
So, in conclusion...monday sucks terribly unless your filing your taxes and getting a much needed refund. Now im gonna open my brand new bottle of wine, turn up the jesus jams, and throw something together for dinner then relax the night away in a candle light soothing warm bath in a final attempt to enjoy my last night off.
--->after thought: i found this song that perfectly describes what i want to say to natty jo...its called lead me by sanctus real. here is the specific chorus :
♫ I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone” ♫
rain makes corn, corn makes wiskey
so far today freaking sucks. i love the rain when i wanna lay around and watch movies all day...but it sucks when i actually have to go out and do stuff... i guess i can be an optimist or a pessimist so all i have to say is
Sunday, February 6, 2011
dolce far niente
Sunday has always been a day of rest and relaxation and that is exactly what i made of today. I sat around and spent good ol quality time with my dog. im sure she loved it. I was thinking of begining to write letters to Natty jo and sending them via snail mail. maybe send one or two a week...might be nice :) i have figure out how to start. i couldnt begin to figure out what to say in an actual letter lol. i feel like it should be atleast a full page and of decently important content considering you have to pay to use normal mail. but i think we are keeping in touch, so it might be a good way to stay in contact without ever using the internet or our phones...i think i might do some cleaning and re-arranging when i get finished with this blog... today has been pretty uneventful, so i dont have much to say...and considering i dont want to ramble i guess ill just sign off now.
""dolce far niente”, the sweetness of doing nothing" ~ Eat, Pray, Love
""dolce far niente”, the sweetness of doing nothing" ~ Eat, Pray, Love
eat pray love
I am so happy i got my sad lazy ass out of bed and spent the day with my bestfriend. She is truly awesome. I think we were both in horrible moods at the beginning of the day, but its inevitable that we will be silly and laugh when we get together. We went to walmart across town, which i remember like none of then went the longest route possible to chillis for lunch/dinner.... the food was super good and it was alot of fun. Im pretty sure we went to old navy (i think) for pink shirts after lunch/dinner. there was talk of big black monsters out to get me and the crazy nintendo game message tone on my phone. on the way back to the car she got ambushed by raindrops and yelled to me while stumbling around the parking lot "i've been hit!! go on without me!!" what a mess lol.
From there, we went to her place to check on teebs and empty her car, but really i just borrowed more of her clothes and we laughed at teebs who by the way was trying to make a quick james bond like escape from the bathroom (which we were letting him out of anyway) and he spilled his water, slipped in it and did this cartoon like slidding while running in place move to get into her room then he ran around the house like a psycho hacking because he was so excited he couldnt breathe right...
we layed around for a few minutes then went to see Black swan... crazy ass movie. i can barely tell you what it was about. There was alot of sexually explicit stuff and the the girl nina played by natalie portman was a freak show in the head. After the movie, we came back to my place to see if jessica wanted to do a girls night and what exactly we were doing either way it went. Then we went to empty out her car and get a movie. We rented eat pray love and watched it at my place, jwoww was supposed to watch with us but she was in the middle of her own movie so we just started without her. good movie. loko went home after the movie, and I walked my dog and checked my mail and just took the time to clear my head and breathe and thank God that everything is okay.
I have been putting alot of thought into the whole jacob- natty jo situation. its complicated, and i dont think any amount of running it thru my head is gonna solve anything, so im doing my best to not think about it. to just relax and let life take care of itself. I really feel like the space will be good for us, and will really help him heal and remember why he loves me. I worry that the issues will just resurface once we get back together...if we get back together...and i worry that once i get on my feet, i wont want to come back. this relationship has been real hell on me..im sure its been hard on him as well. but this seperation, the sweet understanding civilized mutual agreement feels like it will be good for any future relationship between us. im happy to be able to talk to him still...i dont know that ill talk to him in more than texts, but im glad to have him there. i really love him.
anyway, i am going to read my bible and just pray about it. i have no idea where God wants us to go from here and it hasnt been long enough to really figure anything out yet. lol my dog is so cute. she is completely oblivious to the world around her and i think she has ADD, she is so much like me lol. im gonna try to get some sleep now...if it seems impossible then ill read the good book, pray a bit, and try again...and if sleep still eludes me ill probably find myself blogging again. either way im signing off for now.
"You are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe." ~ Liz, Eat Pray Love
From there, we went to her place to check on teebs and empty her car, but really i just borrowed more of her clothes and we laughed at teebs who by the way was trying to make a quick james bond like escape from the bathroom (which we were letting him out of anyway) and he spilled his water, slipped in it and did this cartoon like slidding while running in place move to get into her room then he ran around the house like a psycho hacking because he was so excited he couldnt breathe right...
we layed around for a few minutes then went to see Black swan... crazy ass movie. i can barely tell you what it was about. There was alot of sexually explicit stuff and the the girl nina played by natalie portman was a freak show in the head. After the movie, we came back to my place to see if jessica wanted to do a girls night and what exactly we were doing either way it went. Then we went to empty out her car and get a movie. We rented eat pray love and watched it at my place, jwoww was supposed to watch with us but she was in the middle of her own movie so we just started without her. good movie. loko went home after the movie, and I walked my dog and checked my mail and just took the time to clear my head and breathe and thank God that everything is okay.
I have been putting alot of thought into the whole jacob- natty jo situation. its complicated, and i dont think any amount of running it thru my head is gonna solve anything, so im doing my best to not think about it. to just relax and let life take care of itself. I really feel like the space will be good for us, and will really help him heal and remember why he loves me. I worry that the issues will just resurface once we get back together...if we get back together...and i worry that once i get on my feet, i wont want to come back. this relationship has been real hell on me..im sure its been hard on him as well. but this seperation, the sweet understanding civilized mutual agreement feels like it will be good for any future relationship between us. im happy to be able to talk to him still...i dont know that ill talk to him in more than texts, but im glad to have him there. i really love him.
anyway, i am going to read my bible and just pray about it. i have no idea where God wants us to go from here and it hasnt been long enough to really figure anything out yet. lol my dog is so cute. she is completely oblivious to the world around her and i think she has ADD, she is so much like me lol. im gonna try to get some sleep now...if it seems impossible then ill read the good book, pray a bit, and try again...and if sleep still eludes me ill probably find myself blogging again. either way im signing off for now.
"You are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe." ~ Liz, Eat Pray Love
Saturday, February 5, 2011
monkey bars
He called me at 9am to come get his stuff. I was shocked he was so ready to get everything wrapped up, and he was surprisingly sweet about it. NO fighting, and when i cried he wiped away my tears. We agree its for the best and he said if i need to talk to him i can..so its not like last time where he refused to speak to me. Who knows what will happen from here.
I cried almost the entire time he was here and for about half an hour after he left then decided to just go to bed. i slept until probably about half an hour ago when a friend messaged me to ask if i wanted to go to the store with her, so i got up walked my dog and got ready. I need to keep my shit together now that ive come this far. Foods ready...this is hard, but easy at the same time. I guess ill post again later.
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."~ Unknown
I cried almost the entire time he was here and for about half an hour after he left then decided to just go to bed. i slept until probably about half an hour ago when a friend messaged me to ask if i wanted to go to the store with her, so i got up walked my dog and got ready. I need to keep my shit together now that ive come this far. Foods ready...this is hard, but easy at the same time. I guess ill post again later.
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."~ Unknown
Walking away
I did it....or rather im doing it. Ive prayed about it, ive thought about it, ive taken the time to myself to reflect on my feelings and ive tried to talk to him and in the end i wrote a letter to give him...it was originally just a draft, i was gonna sleep on it and look at it again in the morning. Instead, i am much more proud of myself for the way i handled everything...
First, he called and asked if i wanted to do some thing then decided he was going to hang out with a chick friend. I sent him a message to tell him i missed him, and he sent me a not so nice reply. I didnt call or write back..i just said nothing. i threw on a movie and relaxed by myself. Then around 11 he called me wanting to hang out again and i tried to talk to him about the messages and he said something along the line of not wanting to deal with it right then and that he shouldnt have bad times with me because i had good times with someone else. I told him to have a good night and got off the phone. Within half an hour i was hanging out with some friends, and he was calling me back wanting to know again if i wanted to hang out. Again i tried to talk to him about the messages and he gave me the same response. I polietly let him know he was the one who wanted to talk to me and if he couldnt change his tone i would be hanging up.
I talked to him about how it just isnt working for me that he has such a lack of care. After getting of the phone, he changed his facebook status to "
First, he called and asked if i wanted to do some thing then decided he was going to hang out with a chick friend. I sent him a message to tell him i missed him, and he sent me a not so nice reply. I didnt call or write back..i just said nothing. i threw on a movie and relaxed by myself. Then around 11 he called me wanting to hang out again and i tried to talk to him about the messages and he said something along the line of not wanting to deal with it right then and that he shouldnt have bad times with me because i had good times with someone else. I told him to have a good night and got off the phone. Within half an hour i was hanging out with some friends, and he was calling me back wanting to know again if i wanted to hang out. Again i tried to talk to him about the messages and he gave me the same response. I polietly let him know he was the one who wanted to talk to me and if he couldnt change his tone i would be hanging up.
I talked to him about how it just isnt working for me that he has such a lack of care. After getting of the phone, he changed his facebook status to "
Friday, February 4, 2011
Before the morning....
What is it that keeps someone in a bad relationship? What about a non-relationship? Why do i deal with my jealous insecure ex boyfriend controlling my life and doing anything he wants. He doesn't guard his tongue or even think first when he speaks to me. I messaged him "i miss you" and all he said was "I'm srry". What an asshole....then i asked him "what you don't miss me?" and he said "ill get back to you on that." he doesn't want his friends to know he's talking to me. He dwells on something that happened 5 or 6 months ago as if it happened yesterday. He doesn't trust me. Most of the time i question if he even cares about me...I have absolutely no idea why i am still trying to be with him.
Dear you,
I came back to this relationship five months ago thinking things would be different. You made promises that you are most definitely not keeping. I withstood all of the emotional violence you threw my way because i wanted you to heal, but its gone on far too long. You tell me you are embarrassed for you friends to know you're talking to me. You don't trust me. You don't care about my feelings, thoughts, opinions, or pains. I do everything i can to make you happy to ensure the healing process can take place and you still find ways to fight with me...its always something. And even more you want me to be the reason its not working...i have no clue why you don't want to accept any blame for the failure of a "relationship" because obviously we both had a part in it...But i cant do this anymore.So fine, blame it on me.... until now, for five long miserable months, i have been willing to bend and mold to whatever you need. I have told you what i want to change and you do nothing about it and still i stay here...but i cant do this any longer. I need to leave because it has become blatantly obvious to me that this relationship is never going to be a relationship, and you're never going to treat me any better. I can't be responsible for your actions, but i am for my reactions. I know the life i want, and even more so the life i deserve and I'm going after it. I'm sure I'm gonna hurt and miss the idea of you a lot. But I'm sure it will be well worth it when i do find happiness. And in case your wondering no one talked me into this, i just prayed about it, read my bible and listened to the song i posted on your wall on repeat. I decided God has better things in store for me. Ill keep you in my prayers.
Sincerely,
Crystal
Dear you,
I came back to this relationship five months ago thinking things would be different. You made promises that you are most definitely not keeping. I withstood all of the emotional violence you threw my way because i wanted you to heal, but its gone on far too long. You tell me you are embarrassed for you friends to know you're talking to me. You don't trust me. You don't care about my feelings, thoughts, opinions, or pains. I do everything i can to make you happy to ensure the healing process can take place and you still find ways to fight with me...its always something. And even more you want me to be the reason its not working...i have no clue why you don't want to accept any blame for the failure of a "relationship" because obviously we both had a part in it...But i cant do this anymore.So fine, blame it on me.... until now, for five long miserable months, i have been willing to bend and mold to whatever you need. I have told you what i want to change and you do nothing about it and still i stay here...but i cant do this any longer. I need to leave because it has become blatantly obvious to me that this relationship is never going to be a relationship, and you're never going to treat me any better. I can't be responsible for your actions, but i am for my reactions. I know the life i want, and even more so the life i deserve and I'm going after it. I'm sure I'm gonna hurt and miss the idea of you a lot. But I'm sure it will be well worth it when i do find happiness. And in case your wondering no one talked me into this, i just prayed about it, read my bible and listened to the song i posted on your wall on repeat. I decided God has better things in store for me. Ill keep you in my prayers.
Sincerely,
Crystal
Get to the point
The very point of the title of my blog is to remind myself to live in the moment, not in the past and not in hope for the future..to be in the reality that is right now. It seems ive been having alot of trouble with that lately. I keep imagining myself in my best friends bedroom laying in bed with the windows open, warm summer breeze blowing thru listening to whatever song jacob found that reminded him of me....i miss the crazy nights with my best friends, i miss feeling so sexy and like a queen because i always went out with jacob and his 2 best friends which i think all liked me...they were great self esteem boosters.....i miss the random days of playing speed in the middle of the day and the great food....i miss the awesome laid back job, i miss being about to wear shorts or a slutty skirt at any given time, i miss the awesome tan i had and the way my body was so perfectly fit (probably from the insane amount of time i spent swimming and dancing). i miss the amazing sex, the deep satisfaction of love, i miss waking up to him....I miss the adventures with lokopants, i miss the freedom, and the lakehouse weekends...blowin my best friends hippo lol. i want it all back. I was truly happy in every way possible.... the one song that brings back all of these memories is teh very first song he ever played for me...he said he was in tampa visiting his gf and he couldnt stop thinking about me...he found this song and played it on replay loudly at his gfs house, laid on her bed thinking about me...he called me as soon as he left and asked if he could see me when he got back. he was completely infatuated with me after just a matter of a couple days...i made the song his ring tone, and it will always make me smile....
so the moral of this story is i suck at living in the moment bc the past is so much better than right now lol. 143 Jacob.
so the moral of this story is i suck at living in the moment bc the past is so much better than right now lol. 143 Jacob.
Twilight
Its been just shy of a month since ive talked to Jacob...Ive got this aching deep inside me, almost like something within me is withering away without him. He was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I still love him with a fierce passion...if it werent for logic, i would be waiting loyally for him to come back to me. I think about him everyday, wonder how he's doing and if he ever misses me or reminices about the summer. im watching the videos from the peak of our relationship, the single best night of my entire life...August 16, 2010. We went to dinner at bentos, then he took me to see step up 3d after the movie i was so pumped i just wanted to see him dance so we went to the gym at the estates and i used my phone to record it from like 2 to 3am. Jacob....if ever i believed in soul mates, then i believe you are mine and maybe we just arent ready to be together yet. Maybe i should give some background on the situation.
Lets go back about 16 months to Natty Jo and i. He left me to chase behind anothe girl and took my broken heart right along with him. from that point on, Naty Jo and i have been broken, unfixable...its unfortunate. Anyway, with the split came Natty Jo moving into a friends house to rent an empty room. This friend bowls regularly as a hobby. He persuaded Natty Jo to join the team about december (about 2 months later). This is where i met Jacob. From the first time i saw him i was intrigued, but i stayed far away from him, never even spoke to him because it felt like i would be playing with fire.
I did my best to work things out with Natty Jo and we actually started dating again another month later (january). We stayed together until mid april when i had finally moved out of my apartment, then an insecure petty fight caused us to split up and i moved over to jwowws apartment. That lasted for about a month, when suddenly Natty Jo needed a place to go so me being me i sub-leased a place for us to share. I really thought it would make things better. We agreed to split everything down teh center. Natty Jo was gone for 2 weeks solid playing poker, so i finally offered to pay for everything just to keep him home with me. Somehow, this made him stay gone more if at all possible.
I had tried asking for space, i tried fixing it a million ways and nothing ever changed. In desperation i decided i needed to make him not want to be with me anymore. I went out one night, in the most destructive mindset and looking for the first person who was as off their rocker as much as i was....then i saw him and everyone else disappeared. I was calmed and excited at the same time. I suddenly felt so comfortable and happy and i just had fun and it happened so naturally...i kissed him....then i woke Natty Jo up the next morning to tell him.
Naturally i felt terrible about hurting him, he didnt understand why i did it. It didnt make any sense to him. I swore i would be 100% loyal to natty jo and prove to him that what i did was to help us both...to make us better because we needed the space and time apart and i knew it. He called me every name under the sun, i do believe 'whore' was the nicest of them. I was miserable and depressed and lonely. I completly regretted what i did. it wasnt worth all the pain i went thru afterwards. I couldnt stay in our subleased apartment any longer and my best friend thought it would be best if i stayed with her again. So off to her place i went.
I went to bible studies, went to work, stayed to myself and did my best to get my shit together. After a couple weeks, my new found good friend lokopants had recently become single after a long relationship as well. The timing couldnt have been better. Every wednesday night, i would go to bible study then go home to get ready for ladies night. A bit counter productive i know, but i only went out to drown my sorrows in the music...never for the drinks.
After going for a couple weeks i ran into Jacob again. It was July 15th. ill never forget the way my heart stopped, just completely stopped..i swear there was a frog in my throat and i could barely move when i first laid eyes on him. It was the first time i had seem him since the original incident at the end of may.I asked him how he had been, and if he had told his gf what we did. I let him know i told jon and that we split up. and then we just danced...freely...it was fun. No drinks, just let go and let the music run thru your soul and move your body...it feels good. and thats where it all began...we connected thru the music.
I remember that night as if it happened yesterday. I felt so lucky to be there with him. I asked him if we could hang out sometime outside the club and he asked if i wanted to go to an after party at the polos. Ofcoarse i did. Little did i know, there was no after party. We stayed up talking and hanging out in the pool until the sun came up at 6 somethin the next morning. He took me home then left for work without ever going to bed. Later i found out he immediately called both of his close friends and spilled the beans about his exciting crazy night.
I remember him messaging me the next evening, i guess after he got off work asking if i wanted to go out again because, and i quote "his friends didnt believe how hot i was". He sent me a dozen rozes via text, and said he would pick me up later. we had so much fun that night. i felt like a queen. We spent another week or so like that, him picking me up after he got off work and clubbin then bringing me home at like 3am...i worked at the pool so it was no biggie, and everything just worked out. After about 2 weeks we were spending the night together, by 3 weeks we were inseperable. I spent every night at his place, we would go out for lunch everyday and we would chill after work.
It was around that time that i moved into the place i live at now, and within a week of moving in we were intimate for the first time. If i had any remaining strings to Natty Jo, they were all cut quickly after such an amazing intimate connection with Jacob. For the next couple weeks, we spent most of our time hanging out at home, either my place or his and alot of time at the pool. we were always dancing. he cooked for me, i cleaned for him and everything just worked. It was as if i had heaven on earth.
Now we're about back to where this post started (mid august). Natty Jo was desperately trying to get me back. He swore he saw the error in his ways and that things would be better this time if only i would give him a chance. Jacob started telling me he loved me...but that he felt like he needed to work things out with his gf. I understood, and decided to see where things went with Natty Jo while still being "friends" with Jacob. Because he and i couldnt see each other without being physical (because lets face it, we most definately had chemistry) we decided it was best if we didnt hang out.
I started spending more time with Natty Jo and less time with Jacob. By september i stopped seeing and speaking to Jacob altogether. I would message him occasionally and sometimes i tried to call but he always ignored my attempts. one day i ran into him outside a club and he said he "got his shit together". I dont think i can remember anything hurting me more than that. He made it sound as if i was a mistake he quickly fixed, or a bad habit he quit.
I did my best to not message him, but i thought about him every day, usually several times a day. I mean, how could i not? Natty Jos promises proved to be empty because all he gave me was grief, heartache, and headache. He made me feel like dirt, made me feel unworthy of everything, like i was ugly and stupid. He was the opposite of every thing i ever felt with Jacob. about the time the holidays came around i was miserable, all i wanted was jacob and he was teh only thing i couldnt have. i messaged him to say happy thanksgiving and again to say merry christmas. when the new year came in, all i could think about was him and how much i hated the situation i was in. It was definately not the way i thought it would be.
I came so close to leaving Natty jo, but didnt because of the holidays, then because his grandmother got sick. If its not one thing its another, right? All along i put up with the bullshit, the torture, the pain, the guilt, the blame. It only made me miss Jacob all the more. Then one day, i was at school with Natty Jo and i just got this deep gut wrenching feeling to turn around. I didnt know why, i had no clue what i was looking for, and there he was in the most improbable place...Jacob was at teh school. It was January 5, 2011. I let Natty Jo catch a ride from his dad and i went to talk to a counselor. Why couldnt i leave when i knew how badly i wanted to? What was wrong with me? I decided to write all my feelings down as fast as possible, just get it out of my system. I decided that i would go to the parking lot, and if i saw his car within 10 seconds i would put the note on his car, and if not i would tear it up and never think of it again.
In a parking lot big enough to fit more than 1,000 cars, his was the very first one i saw. It was in the last row, the farthest one away from the building...to this day i am baffled as to how i seen it. i went to put my letter on it, but then second guessed my self and deemed it wishful thinking and just went to the counselors office. SHe suggested i make an appointment with Natty Jo so that we could work things out. I left her office just in time to catch the bus...and to see Jacob walk right by the bus straight to the car that i just knew was his.
I messaged him "nice shoes, good to see you" and he responded "thanks, who is this." As it turns out, he didnt see me or even know i was there. He told me he was trying to get his life back together, and surely i could respect that. I came home, and just wanted to go to sleep. Everyone kept poking and proding for me to go out, and we hadnt been to a club since the summer so i decided to go. And you guessed it, while i was dancing and drinking and just having a good time on the opposite side of the club where Jacob never goes i got that heart stopping gut wrenching feeling again and i turned around and there he was.
I grabbed my best friend and went around the corner "for drinks"...really so that i could breathe and ask God "WTF is going on?!" Then, as if God was playing a cruel joke on me, Jacob and his friend came around teh corner and talked to us for a few minutes. I told him how much i missed him and of the hell i had been thru, he told me he was moving and would only be here a couple days a week for school and work. I thought i was gonna die at that very moment...i felt the wind knocked out of me....after he walked away i was sobbing and choking grasping for air in complete disbelief.... i got my shit together, and went back out on the dance floor.
Natty Jo made some smart ass remark which to this day i still dont recall and i walked off with my bestfriend. We went to some small stage in the corner. And then Jacob passed by, looked up at me and said "wanna dance, for old times sake?" All i could think was that i may never get the chance to do it again. I may never see him again and it was something i wanted sooo bad for so long and had gone thru so much hell for. Its like going on a diet then having a soda 6 months later, it tastes amazing and theres no way you can pass it up.
I danced with him the entire night even tho i was there with Natty Jo. I kept pushing out the lingering thoughts of the heartache and bullshit that was sure to follow. But it was all worth it for that one night. We talked and somehow Natty Jo found us and all hell broke loose. By the end of the night Natty Jo had contacted Jacobs gf and let her know where Jacob had been that night and what he had been doing. She drove down immediately and gave him his ring back. He came to my house banging on my window, and my roommate answered the door. I went out to talk to him, i had never seen him angry before...He told me to never contact him in anyway ever again..and that he wasnt mad at me, but rather at the situation and that if i was smart i would leave Natty Jo and his stupid childish shit. He walked away and i felt so desperate and helpless....i called his name, said i was sorry, gave him a hug and let him go...it was all i could do... then i came back into my life where all the bullshit intensified.
I met with his gf a few days later in hopes of putting it all behind me. I told her anything she wanted to know, which wasnt much because she spent most of the time telling me about this 2 year relationship she had with another guy..while still being with Jacob...and about how she was a lesbian and didnt even like guys, idk.. i tried my best to put it behind me but that only last about 3 weeks.
Over the last week or so its been creeping back in and everyday its more evident. I seen him at school again at the beginning of this week...I got the feeling again, and started looking around and didnt see him anywhere...i saw someone who walked like him..he has the sexiest swag in his walk. But it didnt look liek him, so i kept looking and at a double glance i noticed his shoes and surely it was him...he looked terrible...face full of hair. Ive never even seen him with facial hair and he had a full on beard. Hes always wearing black now too...He pulled up right next to the bus i was on and i could see the bags under his eyes...there is no possible way he is happy... since then he has made his way into almost every thought. I cant enjoy anything anymore because its all dull in comparison to what i had with him.
The fact that i havent been with him for 5 months, and i still having a raging passionate fire of a love for him just as alive as the month or so that i was with him gives me hope that it was real. I miss him dearly. I am still truly madly deeply in love with him. And given the chance i would run to him at any given moment. The perfect song to describe how i feel about him, a tribute to our time together......I hope i face my final dance with you Jacob. You'll always have my heart, no matter what.
Lets go back about 16 months to Natty Jo and i. He left me to chase behind anothe girl and took my broken heart right along with him. from that point on, Naty Jo and i have been broken, unfixable...its unfortunate. Anyway, with the split came Natty Jo moving into a friends house to rent an empty room. This friend bowls regularly as a hobby. He persuaded Natty Jo to join the team about december (about 2 months later). This is where i met Jacob. From the first time i saw him i was intrigued, but i stayed far away from him, never even spoke to him because it felt like i would be playing with fire.
I did my best to work things out with Natty Jo and we actually started dating again another month later (january). We stayed together until mid april when i had finally moved out of my apartment, then an insecure petty fight caused us to split up and i moved over to jwowws apartment. That lasted for about a month, when suddenly Natty Jo needed a place to go so me being me i sub-leased a place for us to share. I really thought it would make things better. We agreed to split everything down teh center. Natty Jo was gone for 2 weeks solid playing poker, so i finally offered to pay for everything just to keep him home with me. Somehow, this made him stay gone more if at all possible.
I had tried asking for space, i tried fixing it a million ways and nothing ever changed. In desperation i decided i needed to make him not want to be with me anymore. I went out one night, in the most destructive mindset and looking for the first person who was as off their rocker as much as i was....then i saw him and everyone else disappeared. I was calmed and excited at the same time. I suddenly felt so comfortable and happy and i just had fun and it happened so naturally...i kissed him....then i woke Natty Jo up the next morning to tell him.
Naturally i felt terrible about hurting him, he didnt understand why i did it. It didnt make any sense to him. I swore i would be 100% loyal to natty jo and prove to him that what i did was to help us both...to make us better because we needed the space and time apart and i knew it. He called me every name under the sun, i do believe 'whore' was the nicest of them. I was miserable and depressed and lonely. I completly regretted what i did. it wasnt worth all the pain i went thru afterwards. I couldnt stay in our subleased apartment any longer and my best friend thought it would be best if i stayed with her again. So off to her place i went.
I went to bible studies, went to work, stayed to myself and did my best to get my shit together. After a couple weeks, my new found good friend lokopants had recently become single after a long relationship as well. The timing couldnt have been better. Every wednesday night, i would go to bible study then go home to get ready for ladies night. A bit counter productive i know, but i only went out to drown my sorrows in the music...never for the drinks.
After going for a couple weeks i ran into Jacob again. It was July 15th. ill never forget the way my heart stopped, just completely stopped..i swear there was a frog in my throat and i could barely move when i first laid eyes on him. It was the first time i had seem him since the original incident at the end of may.I asked him how he had been, and if he had told his gf what we did. I let him know i told jon and that we split up. and then we just danced...freely...it was fun. No drinks, just let go and let the music run thru your soul and move your body...it feels good. and thats where it all began...we connected thru the music.
I remember that night as if it happened yesterday. I felt so lucky to be there with him. I asked him if we could hang out sometime outside the club and he asked if i wanted to go to an after party at the polos. Ofcoarse i did. Little did i know, there was no after party. We stayed up talking and hanging out in the pool until the sun came up at 6 somethin the next morning. He took me home then left for work without ever going to bed. Later i found out he immediately called both of his close friends and spilled the beans about his exciting crazy night.
I remember him messaging me the next evening, i guess after he got off work asking if i wanted to go out again because, and i quote "his friends didnt believe how hot i was". He sent me a dozen rozes via text, and said he would pick me up later. we had so much fun that night. i felt like a queen. We spent another week or so like that, him picking me up after he got off work and clubbin then bringing me home at like 3am...i worked at the pool so it was no biggie, and everything just worked out. After about 2 weeks we were spending the night together, by 3 weeks we were inseperable. I spent every night at his place, we would go out for lunch everyday and we would chill after work.
It was around that time that i moved into the place i live at now, and within a week of moving in we were intimate for the first time. If i had any remaining strings to Natty Jo, they were all cut quickly after such an amazing intimate connection with Jacob. For the next couple weeks, we spent most of our time hanging out at home, either my place or his and alot of time at the pool. we were always dancing. he cooked for me, i cleaned for him and everything just worked. It was as if i had heaven on earth.
Now we're about back to where this post started (mid august). Natty Jo was desperately trying to get me back. He swore he saw the error in his ways and that things would be better this time if only i would give him a chance. Jacob started telling me he loved me...but that he felt like he needed to work things out with his gf. I understood, and decided to see where things went with Natty Jo while still being "friends" with Jacob. Because he and i couldnt see each other without being physical (because lets face it, we most definately had chemistry) we decided it was best if we didnt hang out.
I started spending more time with Natty Jo and less time with Jacob. By september i stopped seeing and speaking to Jacob altogether. I would message him occasionally and sometimes i tried to call but he always ignored my attempts. one day i ran into him outside a club and he said he "got his shit together". I dont think i can remember anything hurting me more than that. He made it sound as if i was a mistake he quickly fixed, or a bad habit he quit.
I did my best to not message him, but i thought about him every day, usually several times a day. I mean, how could i not? Natty Jos promises proved to be empty because all he gave me was grief, heartache, and headache. He made me feel like dirt, made me feel unworthy of everything, like i was ugly and stupid. He was the opposite of every thing i ever felt with Jacob. about the time the holidays came around i was miserable, all i wanted was jacob and he was teh only thing i couldnt have. i messaged him to say happy thanksgiving and again to say merry christmas. when the new year came in, all i could think about was him and how much i hated the situation i was in. It was definately not the way i thought it would be.
I came so close to leaving Natty jo, but didnt because of the holidays, then because his grandmother got sick. If its not one thing its another, right? All along i put up with the bullshit, the torture, the pain, the guilt, the blame. It only made me miss Jacob all the more. Then one day, i was at school with Natty Jo and i just got this deep gut wrenching feeling to turn around. I didnt know why, i had no clue what i was looking for, and there he was in the most improbable place...Jacob was at teh school. It was January 5, 2011. I let Natty Jo catch a ride from his dad and i went to talk to a counselor. Why couldnt i leave when i knew how badly i wanted to? What was wrong with me? I decided to write all my feelings down as fast as possible, just get it out of my system. I decided that i would go to the parking lot, and if i saw his car within 10 seconds i would put the note on his car, and if not i would tear it up and never think of it again.
In a parking lot big enough to fit more than 1,000 cars, his was the very first one i saw. It was in the last row, the farthest one away from the building...to this day i am baffled as to how i seen it. i went to put my letter on it, but then second guessed my self and deemed it wishful thinking and just went to the counselors office. SHe suggested i make an appointment with Natty Jo so that we could work things out. I left her office just in time to catch the bus...and to see Jacob walk right by the bus straight to the car that i just knew was his.
I messaged him "nice shoes, good to see you" and he responded "thanks, who is this." As it turns out, he didnt see me or even know i was there. He told me he was trying to get his life back together, and surely i could respect that. I came home, and just wanted to go to sleep. Everyone kept poking and proding for me to go out, and we hadnt been to a club since the summer so i decided to go. And you guessed it, while i was dancing and drinking and just having a good time on the opposite side of the club where Jacob never goes i got that heart stopping gut wrenching feeling again and i turned around and there he was.
I grabbed my best friend and went around the corner "for drinks"...really so that i could breathe and ask God "WTF is going on?!" Then, as if God was playing a cruel joke on me, Jacob and his friend came around teh corner and talked to us for a few minutes. I told him how much i missed him and of the hell i had been thru, he told me he was moving and would only be here a couple days a week for school and work. I thought i was gonna die at that very moment...i felt the wind knocked out of me....after he walked away i was sobbing and choking grasping for air in complete disbelief.... i got my shit together, and went back out on the dance floor.
Natty Jo made some smart ass remark which to this day i still dont recall and i walked off with my bestfriend. We went to some small stage in the corner. And then Jacob passed by, looked up at me and said "wanna dance, for old times sake?" All i could think was that i may never get the chance to do it again. I may never see him again and it was something i wanted sooo bad for so long and had gone thru so much hell for. Its like going on a diet then having a soda 6 months later, it tastes amazing and theres no way you can pass it up.
I danced with him the entire night even tho i was there with Natty Jo. I kept pushing out the lingering thoughts of the heartache and bullshit that was sure to follow. But it was all worth it for that one night. We talked and somehow Natty Jo found us and all hell broke loose. By the end of the night Natty Jo had contacted Jacobs gf and let her know where Jacob had been that night and what he had been doing. She drove down immediately and gave him his ring back. He came to my house banging on my window, and my roommate answered the door. I went out to talk to him, i had never seen him angry before...He told me to never contact him in anyway ever again..and that he wasnt mad at me, but rather at the situation and that if i was smart i would leave Natty Jo and his stupid childish shit. He walked away and i felt so desperate and helpless....i called his name, said i was sorry, gave him a hug and let him go...it was all i could do... then i came back into my life where all the bullshit intensified.
I met with his gf a few days later in hopes of putting it all behind me. I told her anything she wanted to know, which wasnt much because she spent most of the time telling me about this 2 year relationship she had with another guy..while still being with Jacob...and about how she was a lesbian and didnt even like guys, idk.. i tried my best to put it behind me but that only last about 3 weeks.
Over the last week or so its been creeping back in and everyday its more evident. I seen him at school again at the beginning of this week...I got the feeling again, and started looking around and didnt see him anywhere...i saw someone who walked like him..he has the sexiest swag in his walk. But it didnt look liek him, so i kept looking and at a double glance i noticed his shoes and surely it was him...he looked terrible...face full of hair. Ive never even seen him with facial hair and he had a full on beard. Hes always wearing black now too...He pulled up right next to the bus i was on and i could see the bags under his eyes...there is no possible way he is happy... since then he has made his way into almost every thought. I cant enjoy anything anymore because its all dull in comparison to what i had with him.
The fact that i havent been with him for 5 months, and i still having a raging passionate fire of a love for him just as alive as the month or so that i was with him gives me hope that it was real. I miss him dearly. I am still truly madly deeply in love with him. And given the chance i would run to him at any given moment. The perfect song to describe how i feel about him, a tribute to our time together......I hope i face my final dance with you Jacob. You'll always have my heart, no matter what.
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