All the above.....

Honestly, i hurt. i dont know what else to say about it. im so mixed up and confused. I had a dream that scared the shit out of me last night, i almost got bit by an alligator. i woke up screaming and decided to look it up, and basically it says the same thing i already knew. i need to stop beating around the bush and face my emotions. then i had another scary dream i was in a stadium that looked like something straight out of a harry potter movie and this guy kept coming after me and i remember trying to hide at the very top so he couldnt reach me and he grabbed my leg from below the stairs and i looked up and yelled for natty jo to help me and he just sat and watched...i was so scared, some random people from the stands next to me helped get the guy off my leg and i ran into this scary castle and this crazy werewolf girl was trying to kill me and idk what connection it had but i had to reorganize the candy in this vending machine bc something she ate made her turn into a werewolf and i think being with or near natty jo made these scary characters try to kill me. i woke up almost in tears, and just turned on some music.

i just sat there and thought, i really do miss what he and i once had...i wish we still did have it. but the truth of the matter is that we dont anymore, and im tired of hurting. i saw his post about wondering what im up to, i guess it makes me feel a bit better to know he's still thiking about me...but i keep wondering what i should do now. i feel like i should try to move forward. he keeps making comments about how he feels like its a repeat of the summer, and honestly thats not it. im just tired of dealing with the bullshit. he just keeps calling me an ex and a close friend, so why should it matter if i move on if thats all i am to him? and if he feels like its a repeat of the summer why the fuck doesnt he do something to change what hes doing so it doesnt turn out the same way?! my mom always told me if your about to crash dont let go of the wheel because you'll get hurt worse that way. i take that advice into my day to day life. ive been doing my best to steer my way thru all the bullshit hes throwing my way and im almost outta gas....i cant do this anymore....i keep holding on to the hope that ill wake up and things will be different and they never are...its like a never ending nightmare.

i miss the old us so much and nothing ever compares to it. i guess thats really why i came back, because he was being everything i wanted. its sad to think about letting him go, i know he isnt offering me anything these days and we all realize it isnt working...but i miss the old us...so bad it hurts. i cry everytime i think about it. i need to move forward, and i guess the only thing that comes to mind that i can realistically do is not call or text him and just try to live my life one day at a time. hang out with my friends, go to work, go to class, hit the gym, take care of bella...just live my life..time and God will take care of the rest. i know one day, probably sooner than later, ill have to face him missing me and i dont know how ill respond to that.

i just know im tired of the way i feel right now. so today i am trying to pick myself up off the floor, get to santa fe to finish up stuff with my classes, and i am gonna hit the gym and my friend invited me to chill at the cabana pool with her and her friends...i said i might come over if i have time. i think me and loko might do something tonight, hopefully ill do something with either her or jwoww.... i know i need to do something to get him off my mind for awhile. i need to get happy.....or as loko put it, i need to find my joy.