Twilight

Its been just shy of a month since ive talked to Jacob...Ive got this aching deep inside me, almost like something within me is withering away without him. He was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. I still love him with a fierce passion...if it werent for logic, i would be waiting loyally for him to come back to me. I think about him everyday, wonder how he's doing and if he ever misses me or reminices about the summer. im watching the videos from the peak of our relationship, the single best night of my entire life...August 16, 2010. We went to dinner at bentos, then he took me to see step up 3d after the movie i was so pumped i just wanted to see him dance so we went to the gym at the estates and i used my phone to record it from like 2 to 3am. Jacob....if ever i believed in soul mates, then i believe you are mine and maybe we just arent ready to be together yet. Maybe i should give some background on the situation.

Lets go back about 16 months to Natty Jo and i. He left me to chase behind anothe girl and took my broken heart right along with him. from that point on, Naty Jo and i have been broken, unfixable...its unfortunate. Anyway, with the split came Natty Jo moving into a friends house to rent an empty room. This friend bowls regularly as a hobby. He persuaded Natty Jo to join the team about december (about 2 months later). This is where i met Jacob. From the first time i saw him i was intrigued, but i stayed far away from him, never even spoke to him because it felt like i would be playing with fire.

I did my best to work things out with Natty Jo and we actually started dating again another month later (january). We stayed together until mid april when i had finally moved out of my apartment, then an insecure petty fight caused us to split up and i moved over to jwowws apartment. That lasted for about a month, when suddenly Natty Jo needed a place to go so me being me i sub-leased a place for us to share. I really thought it would make things better. We agreed to split everything down teh center. Natty Jo was gone for 2 weeks solid playing poker, so i finally offered to pay for everything just to keep him home with me. Somehow, this made him stay gone more if at all possible.

I had tried asking for space, i tried fixing it a million ways and nothing ever changed. In desperation i decided i needed to make him not want to be with me anymore. I went out one night, in the most destructive mindset and looking for the first person who was as off their rocker as much as i was....then i saw him and everyone else disappeared. I was calmed and excited at the same time. I suddenly felt so comfortable and happy and i just had fun and it happened so naturally...i kissed him....then i woke Natty Jo up the next morning to tell him.

Naturally i felt terrible about hurting him, he didnt understand why i did it. It didnt make any sense to him. I swore i would be 100% loyal to natty jo and prove to him that what i did was to help us both...to make us better because we needed the space and time apart and i knew it. He called me every name under the sun, i do believe 'whore' was the nicest of them. I was miserable and depressed and lonely. I completly regretted what i did. it wasnt worth all the pain i went thru afterwards. I couldnt stay in our subleased apartment any longer and my best friend thought it would be best if i stayed with her again. So off to her place i went.

I went to bible studies, went to work, stayed to myself and did my best to get my shit together. After a couple weeks, my new found good friend lokopants had recently become single after a long relationship as well. The timing couldnt have been better. Every wednesday night, i would go to bible study then go home to get ready for ladies night. A bit counter productive i know, but i only went out to drown my sorrows in the music...never for the drinks.

After going for a couple weeks i ran into Jacob again. It was July 15th. ill never forget the way my heart stopped, just completely stopped..i swear there was a frog in my throat and i could barely move when i first laid eyes on him. It was the first time i had seem him since the original incident at the end of may.I asked him how he had been, and if he had told his gf what we did. I let him know i told jon and that we split up. and then we just danced...freely...it was fun. No drinks, just let go and let the music run thru your soul and move your body...it feels good. and thats where it all began...we connected thru the music.

I remember that night as if it happened yesterday. I felt so lucky to be there with him. I asked him if we could hang out sometime outside the club and he asked if i wanted to go to an after party at the polos. Ofcoarse i did. Little did i know, there was no after party. We stayed up talking and hanging out in the pool until the sun came up at 6 somethin the next morning. He took me home then left for work without ever going to bed. Later i found out he immediately called both of his close friends and spilled the beans about his exciting crazy night.

I remember him messaging me the next evening, i guess after he got off work asking if i wanted to go out again because, and i quote "his friends didnt believe how hot i was". He sent me a dozen rozes via text, and said he would pick me up later. we had so much fun that night. i felt like a queen. We spent another week or so like that, him picking me up after he got off work and clubbin then bringing me home at like 3am...i worked at the pool so it was no biggie, and everything just worked out. After about 2 weeks we were spending the night together, by 3 weeks we were inseperable. I spent every night at his place, we would go out for lunch everyday and we would chill after work.

It was around that time that i moved into the place i live at now, and within a week of moving in we were intimate for the first time. If i had any remaining strings to Natty Jo, they were all cut quickly after such an amazing intimate connection with Jacob. For the next couple weeks, we spent most of our time hanging out at home, either my place or his and alot of time at the pool. we were always dancing. he cooked for me, i cleaned for him and everything just worked. It was as if i had heaven on earth.

Now we're about back to where this post started (mid august). Natty Jo was desperately trying to get me back. He swore he saw the error in his ways and that things would be better this time if only i would give him a chance. Jacob started telling me he loved me...but that he felt like he needed to work things out with his gf. I understood, and decided to see where things went with Natty Jo while still being "friends" with Jacob. Because he and i couldnt see each other without being physical (because lets face it, we most definately had chemistry) we decided it was best if we didnt hang out.

I started spending more time with Natty Jo and less time with Jacob. By september i stopped seeing and speaking to Jacob altogether. I would message him occasionally and sometimes i tried to call but he always ignored my attempts. one day i ran into him outside a club and he said he "got his shit together". I dont think i can remember anything hurting me more than that. He made it sound as if i was a mistake he quickly fixed, or a bad habit he quit.

I did my best to not message him, but i thought about him every day, usually several times a day. I mean, how could i not? Natty Jos promises proved to be empty because all he gave me was grief, heartache, and headache. He made me feel like dirt, made me feel unworthy of everything, like i was ugly and stupid. He was the opposite of every thing i ever felt with Jacob. about the time the holidays came around i was miserable, all i wanted was jacob and he was teh only thing i couldnt have. i messaged him to say happy thanksgiving and again to say merry christmas. when the new year came in, all i could think about was him and how much i hated the situation i was in. It was definately not the way i thought it would be.

I came so close to leaving Natty jo, but didnt because of the holidays, then because his grandmother got sick. If its not one thing its another, right? All along i put up with the bullshit, the torture, the pain, the guilt, the blame. It only made me miss Jacob all the more. Then one day, i was at school with Natty Jo and i just got this deep gut wrenching feeling to turn around. I didnt know why, i had no clue what i was looking for, and there he was in the most improbable place...Jacob was at teh school. It was January 5, 2011. I let Natty Jo catch a ride from his dad and i went to talk to a counselor. Why couldnt i leave when i knew how badly i wanted to? What was wrong with me? I decided to write all my feelings down as fast as possible, just get it out of my system. I decided that i would go to the parking lot, and if i saw his car within 10 seconds i would put the note on his car, and if not i would tear it up and never think of it again.

In a parking lot big enough to fit more than 1,000 cars, his was the very first one i saw. It was in the last row, the farthest one away from the building...to this day i am baffled as to how i seen it. i went to put my letter on it, but then second guessed my self and deemed it wishful thinking and just went to the counselors office. SHe suggested i make an appointment with Natty Jo so that we could work things out. I left her office just in time to catch the bus...and to see Jacob walk right by the bus straight to the car that i just knew was his.

I messaged him "nice shoes, good to see you" and he responded "thanks, who is this." As it turns out, he didnt see me or even know i was there. He told me he was trying to get his life back together, and surely i could respect that. I came home, and just wanted to go to sleep. Everyone kept poking and proding for me to go out, and we hadnt been to a club since the summer so i decided to go. And you guessed it, while i was dancing and drinking and just having a good time on the opposite side of the club where Jacob never goes i got that heart stopping gut wrenching feeling again and i turned around and there he was.

I grabbed my best friend and went around the corner "for drinks"...really so that i could breathe and ask God "WTF is going on?!" Then, as if God was playing a cruel joke on me, Jacob and his friend came around teh corner and talked to us for a few minutes. I told him how much i missed him and of the hell i had been thru, he told me he was moving and would only be here a couple days a week for school and work. I thought i was gonna die at that very moment...i felt the wind knocked out of me....after he walked away i was sobbing and choking grasping for air in complete disbelief.... i got my shit together, and went back out on the dance floor.

Natty Jo made some smart ass remark which to this day i still dont recall and i walked off with my bestfriend. We went to some small stage in the corner. And then Jacob passed by, looked up at me and said "wanna dance, for old times sake?"  All i could think was that i may never get the chance to do it again. I may never see him again and it was something i wanted sooo bad for so long and had gone thru so much hell for. Its like going on a diet then having a soda 6 months later, it tastes amazing and theres no way you can pass it up.

I danced with him the entire night even tho i was there with Natty Jo. I kept pushing out the lingering thoughts of the heartache and bullshit that was sure to follow. But it was all worth it for that one night. We talked and somehow Natty Jo found us and all hell broke loose. By the end of the night Natty Jo had contacted Jacobs gf and let her know where Jacob had been that night and what he had been doing. She drove down immediately and gave him his ring back. He came to my house banging on my window, and my roommate answered the door. I went out to talk to him, i had never seen him angry before...He told me to never contact him in anyway ever again..and that he wasnt mad at me, but rather at the situation and that if i was smart i would leave Natty Jo and his stupid childish shit. He walked away and i felt so desperate and helpless....i called his name, said i was sorry, gave him a hug and let him go...it was all i could do... then i came back into my life where all the bullshit intensified.

I met with his gf a few days later in hopes of putting it all behind me. I told her anything she wanted to know, which wasnt much because she spent most of the time telling me about this 2 year relationship she had with another guy..while still being with Jacob...and about how she was a lesbian and didnt even like guys, idk.. i tried my best to put it behind me but that only last about 3 weeks.

Over the last week or so its been creeping back in and everyday its more evident. I seen him at school again at the beginning of this week...I got the feeling again, and started looking around and didnt see him anywhere...i saw someone who walked like him..he has the sexiest swag in his walk. But it didnt look liek him, so i kept looking and at a double glance i noticed his shoes and surely it was him...he looked terrible...face full of hair. Ive never even seen him with facial hair and he had a full on beard. Hes always wearing black now too...He pulled up right next to the bus i was on and i could see the bags under his eyes...there is no possible way he is happy... since then he has made his way into almost every thought. I cant enjoy anything anymore because its all dull in comparison to what i had with him.

The fact that i havent been with him for 5 months, and i still having a raging passionate fire of a love for him just as alive as the month or so that i was with him gives me hope that it was real. I miss him dearly. I am still truly madly deeply in love with him. And given the chance i would run to him at any given moment. The perfect song to describe how i feel about  him, a tribute to our time together......I hope i face my final dance with you Jacob. You'll always have my heart, no matter what.