What the hell?!?

Have you ever looked up at the clouds and screamed at God, "What the hell?!". Well i have, and most recently i did it today. Yes i totally understand that i am incapable of seeing the 'big picture' as God does, and i know that everything happens for a reason and that 99% of the time that reason is soooo far beyond my level of comprehension....but it still never stops me from wondering what in hell He is up to. Every time i try to just make a plan as to how i am going to cope with my life, it never fails that God is like ooh no missy, your gonna do things my way. Well that's fine, your way is probably better than mine anyway....but you don't have to hit me upside the head with it.

So what am i making such a fuss about? Well i wrote this long post about how I'm just gonna live my lifeeee and how I'm gonna just go thru with the weekenddddd and have no worries! right? and so i get on the busss and I'm just minding my business ya know?! I'm going up to the school so i can print a stupid paper and get a couple signatures and batta bing batta boom more financial aid money for my rent, ya? Ya. okay... Well i get off the bus and I'm going thru the process of my plan for the evening in my head trying to think how long all this is gonna take what I'm gonna eat before heading to the gym, blah blah blah...and BAM! As i walk thru the door and look to my right who is sitting there also minding their own business?

Who else but Natty Jo. All i could think was "You have got to be kidding me." So i decide, well i came here for a reason and I'm just gonna continue about my business as planned. So i walk in the computer room to print this paper, which happens to be the same room he was in. I walked right by him without saying a word because, honestly..what was i supposed to say? And naturally he was upset that i walked right by and acted like he wasn't there...i mean, who wouldn't be lol.

So i guess it took me the same amount of time to print as it took him to log off whatever he was doing because he walked out the door seconds before i did...like as long as it takes to exit out of Internet explorer seconds. And i was like hmm....whatever, until i realized we were going in the same direction....then i was thinking "Really God, like...really?". It seemed a bit to in-your-face to be a coincidence, and so i felt compelled to call him and ask why he left.

We had this big long (like 20-30 minutes) conversation that was mean and cold hearted and he wouldn't take the blame for anything and i certainly wasn't going to say it was my fault either, just an overall bad talk for anyone to be having..very defensive.. and i found myself wondering why i thought it was a sign to run into him, i mean what was i thinking...so i start crying because i was so mad at myself for being a complete and total retard while still on the phone with him and he goes and changes the topic all together!!! Hes just like, "so, what are you here for anyway". ummmm what difference does it make why I'm here?!?! lol... so i stay on the phone with him while getting my paper work done and as I'm on my way to get my last signature, i run right smack into him, well not literally into him but like we ended up wandering around into the same building. So we got off the phone, i explain that I'm in a rush and i have 10 minutes to complete my signatures and catch the bus. he walks with me and suggests we get something to eat....I'm not completely sure why i was so happy to see him,especially not after the horrid conversation we JUST finished having...and i can't really understand why he also seemed relieved to be with me but considering how happy i was i said yes. i mean its just lunch and besides he agreed to tag along to what i was doing so it wasn't out of the way.

So were on our way to the bus stop and he realizes he has lost his wallet...so i wave the last bus going from the school to the mall on and help him search for his wallet. We start looking everywhere he was, and i keep asking where he last remembered having it. As were back tracing, it never occurred to him to start looking where he last remembered having it...so i suggest starting there first because we were being faced with the fact that everything was closing. Naturally i was right and we found it and decided to go to Sonny's for dinner.

We chatted a bit as we walked and during the meal and on the way back over to the school and for the hour after we got to the school. I don't remember a single thing we talked about, and i have no idea how time flew by so quickly. Next thing ya know, the last bus to the school is about to leave and we got on it together. He was gonna get off at a friends house to deal cards for the evening and i was headed back home. When we were almost to where he was gonna get off i was suddenly sad again and i couldn't help but think "What the hell God? i just finally decided that your telling me to face my feelings and move on just this afternoon and just like every time, you bring him and those happy feelings right back! but why?!? i don't get what your doing up there! Could you PLEASE make your will a tad bit more evident, because I'm confused as to what you want right now."

So he left and i went about my way. Came home, did alot of cleaning and laundry and finally uploaded pictures from Valentines day then went to a movie with Jwoww. Good movie btw, we went to see Just Go With It. And now I'm home...sitting in my bed....hungry...wondering what on earth is going on in my life. i really just want some semblance of stability. i would love to either be single or in a committed relationship, but i don't want to do whatever this is. i want a normal 9-5 job, and i want to not come home to a psycho roommate and i want to have my own car and i wish my dog was potty trained...i just want a normal life and a chance at happiness. So now, like always, i have no clue what is going on. i guess I'm just gonna find some grub and go to sleep and my plan (so completely un-concrete lol) is to wake up and have a hearty breakfast and go to the gym then come home, get showered and go to work.  I guess we'll see just how far off i am when this time tomorrow comes around.