im not sure how i should feel about this but i woke up so sad, all i could think about was jb and the last time he was here laying in bed beside me holding me softly, lovingly...i can still hardly believe this entire week was real. i decided to get online to post the pictures from yesterday to facebook and saw that i had a message in my inbox and i prayed with everything i had it was from him, so you can imagine how happy i was to see it really was from him. it was just a short note telling me that his phone was off so if i had been trying to contact him that was why he hadnt been answering and that he hoped everything was good for me...and even tho he didnt say it or type it..i know that at the end of that short note he was thinking to himself 'i love and miss you'.
at times like these, i feel like were never supposed to be apart...times like these make me truly believe he and i are supposed to be together at the end of all this madness. it makes me think of when i was at the peak of things with jacob, and jb would send me pictures of flowers everyday and how just getting them made my day...it made me so happy to hear from him. he has a way of evoking strong emotions from me, sometimes good sometimes bad... i cant pretend to know why things happened the way they did, i never wanted to hurt him. i would shield him from every pain in the world if i could. I know everything happens for a reason, and i know that one way or another the summer was a pivitol thing for us. i know we need this space so im doing my best to not make amends with him. maybe the space will help him heal..that still doesnt tell me what i was suppose to get out of it. i never stopped loving jb...at times i decided not to deal with how he was treating me or what he was putting me thru, but nothing can take away from the way i feel about him.
i am still trying to just sit back and let life go however it may and not attempt to control anything because i feel life works best that way. so no matter how much i miss him, i am trying to just leave it be. he may think that its suppose to mean i dont care and that not true at all....it just means that this isnt our time. i miss him, and for now i am so very happy i heard from him. im gonna clean and re-arrange my room now. maybe ill go lay by the pool when im done with that. i have work at 6 tonight and were all supposed to go out again to xs just like every wednesday. i wish i could invite jb to come with me...i miss him something terrible. so if by chance he decides to read this he will see just how much i really do think about him, care about him, and love him...
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