"Every time your phone rings your heart skips a beat because you think it's the one person you were thinking about. how does it feel when its not? or do you find yourself looking to certain places hoping to see that person walking toward you but they never come! how does it feel? do you think about someone almost constantly and want to talk to them but for various reasons cant... how does that feel? do you miss someone so much you have physical pain? how does it feel? do you ever wish you could feel the touch from someone but it never comes... how does it feel? do you miss their smile their laugh the look in their eyes when they look at you! how does it feel? because i feel all this and more everyday! especially right now!"
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
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