what a roller coaster of a day. i do believe i have experienced every possible emotion on the color wheel. i laid down to go to bed at about 11, half way expecting Natty Jo to come over after he finished playing beer pong but no later than 1am. I got a phone call around 12:45 to tell me he wasnt coming and i was overcome with emotion. i hate being so disappointed. i couldnt fall back asleep until like 4am and that was only after hours of crying and praying and trying to breathe and heated useless discussions with him about how he basically wants to just be friends.
i dont understand how this is where i am in my relationship after so many years. honestly, i shouldnt have to be flirty and treat you like i just met you after this long. ive put in my time and ive done my work. im not gonna pretend like i just met you asshole. so i cried myself to sleep all alone and woke up a few hours later for my first day of work. i turned on the snooze and rolled back over.
so after sleeping in for an extra 15 minutes, i was running late. i guess i should have gotten up. i walk-ran to work (literally) and still got there 10 minutes late. i had a pretty successful first day however and ended up staying after for like 4 hours. i came home, walked bella and crashed. then loko called and i talked to her for like an hour and walked bell again and realized that it was already 8 something and natty jo still hadnt attempted to contact me all day...so like an asshole i texted him...texted him again...then called. i talked to him for awhile, and told him all about my day without him ever asking how anything went.
i dont think he cares anymore. anyway then i took a hot bath/shower combo and turned on the joy fm and just thought to God... where is my life going? what am i suppose to do? im trying to not direct anything and just let the pieces fall where they may but its hard to not be afraid to get hurt. and i keep remembering last summer and how much pain i went thru and how much happiness i felt afterwards and i keep thinking to myself what if it happens again. what if God has something fantastic in store for me and i just need to let go of mediocre in order to get beyond belief. and ya it might hurt a lot, but the deeper the pain, the greater the appreciation after healing right?
i cant help but be sad and feel alone as i get ready for bed. its when i talk to Natty jo every night, its when he makes me feel like shit because i realize he doesnt want anything but a friend from me, and that until i dont have feelings for him he doesnt really want to see me. but hes the one who had a hissy fit because i wouldnt show him my feelings before and i went thru hell to open up to him and now he doesnt want this either. idk what to do, nothing ever makes him happy. he wants something fresh and exciting and he wants to feel butterflies he says...sounds like something someone else told him and hes just repeating it. whatever. i hate feeling so alone.
Bah. You're not alone. You have Miss Happypants and other friends, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to quote something and then explain:
"and that until i dont have feelings for him he doesnt really want to see me"
Once you've reached a certain point with someone, it's nearly impossible to go to being just friends. Probably the only way you're going to get over this is to stop seeing/talking to him for awhile. Anyway, I hope you feel better. Break-ups are never fun, so just spend call up a bunch of friends/family to keep distracted. :)
ya know, the concept has crossed my mind before...i just kind of figured i wanted to be sure i didnt want to try with this relationship anymore before im done bc once i move on thats just it im moving on and never coming back. this is pretty much a final attempt, thanks tho your so right...so are the hundred other people who have told me that...
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