"Every time your phone rings your heart skips a beat because you think it's the one person you were thinking about. how does it feel when its not? or do you find yourself looking to certain places hoping to see that person walking toward you but they never come! how does it feel? do you think about someone almost constantly and want to talk to them but for various reasons cant... how does that feel? do you miss someone so much you have physical pain? how does it feel? do you ever wish you could feel the touch from someone but it never comes... how does it feel? do you miss their smile their laugh the look in their eyes when they look at you! how does it feel? because i feel all this and more everyday! especially right now!"
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
take 5
I have so much going on in my life that i just dont care to share with anyone, but i still want to write. I think i may take a break from blogging and just keep my own private journal for awhile. maybe ill just take notes throughout the week and keep a post once a week....im not sure how i want to do it, i just know i dont want all of my most personal feelings open for the public to see. so blogger, im going on vacation..ill be back.
stairmaster
Jb,
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
killing me softly
i hate you i hate you i hate you! i was doing SO GOOD until this morning when i woke up so upset and so freaked out. i hate having weird dreams. i dreamnt that i was just walking penny and suddenly there were snakes everywhere i looked it was so scary, i could barely move. and then i like ran home and penny shit because she was so scared too and i ran inside and jb was making me this crazy present that he said hed spent an hour on and he got me this white jacket i wanted years ago...and he said he really missed me and he really wanted to cuddle, it seemed so real i was like omgsh me too lets do it then it hurt just that much more to wake up and remember whats really going on. ive done so good lately about not missing him not thinking about him..since friday i have been perfectly okay and then i go and have a stupid dream like that and it makes me upset all over again. then i tried to go back to sleep and dreamnt that i ran into him at school and invited him out for lunch and we ended up back at my house and we were about to hook up and i noticed he was missing condomns and when i asked about it he said he had already hooked up with someone else. i want to beat him stupid right now. i almost gave in and called him to scream at him for being such an asshole...but im sure that wouldnt make any sense for one and i dont want to talk to him, i know im just upset because a stupid dream. i honestly feel so sick like i could throw up right now. i wish i could just be over this whole thing already. i am so tired of missing him and wanting him. i just want to be moved on already. i have to get ready for work....
Friday, March 11, 2011
pursuit of happiness
i need to get out of here, take a vacation alone. im not sure when im gonna go but im definately not telling anyone when i do. my life is just so stressful and im doing my best to just ignore all the bullshit and move ahead but one thing or another always comes up. right now i just want time away from everyone. i dont know if becoming a hermet will really help or not, but i cant deal with anything going on right now.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
tell me its real
I'm finding myself in a really good place in my life right now. I am happy with my job, all my needs are taken care of, i have good friends, and i love my puppy....and for when the dog is annoying i can always play with the kitty. i think jb and i will continue to be good friends and stay in touch and that makes me happy... and i think i've found enough distractions for when i start to miss him from cooking to movies to catching up with new and old friends to painting and scrapbooking...ive got tons of stuff to distract me.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
friends?
i like the new setup in my room...i moved the bed over by the window and reversed where the dresser and tv stand already were to the other side of the room. i like it this way. it takes the focus off of the bed when you first walk in lol. i also ripped off the padding on my headboard...gives it that 'new' feeling.
im laying in bed feeling so sick right now, im not hungover but my stomach hurts sooo bad. i got another letter from jb. it was a bit longer, rambling...sounded like he was happy to hear from me. i think for him his may be one of those points in his life where he realizes thru all the bs im the one who has and is still here. at the end of the day, his friends leave him or go do something else because they arent real friends at all. i hope one day he finds some real value friends rather than the 2faced dramatic instagators and stuck up brown nosed too good for anyone breed of people hes chosen to keep around.
on another note...last night was almost a disaster for a couple friends, and im glad i was able to fixed it....for now. misunderstandings always seem to fly up at the most inconvienent times and if it werent for good friends a great relationship could have been thrown away over a simple miscommunication. crazy how that works.
im really hungry but i most definately do not feel like getting up right now. the dog keeps squeaking and i hear people moving around out in the living room...downside to where i moved my bed is its directly infront of the air vent. im pretty sure thats why i had it like i did before. maybe i can just close the vent. i think im gonna try to get some more rest now...
im laying in bed feeling so sick right now, im not hungover but my stomach hurts sooo bad. i got another letter from jb. it was a bit longer, rambling...sounded like he was happy to hear from me. i think for him his may be one of those points in his life where he realizes thru all the bs im the one who has and is still here. at the end of the day, his friends leave him or go do something else because they arent real friends at all. i hope one day he finds some real value friends rather than the 2faced dramatic instagators and stuck up brown nosed too good for anyone breed of people hes chosen to keep around.
on another note...last night was almost a disaster for a couple friends, and im glad i was able to fixed it....for now. misunderstandings always seem to fly up at the most inconvienent times and if it werent for good friends a great relationship could have been thrown away over a simple miscommunication. crazy how that works.
im really hungry but i most definately do not feel like getting up right now. the dog keeps squeaking and i hear people moving around out in the living room...downside to where i moved my bed is its directly infront of the air vent. im pretty sure thats why i had it like i did before. maybe i can just close the vent. i think im gonna try to get some more rest now...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
busy bee
so far today has been a fairly productive day. ive managed to clean my room and bathroom, clean my linens, do the dishes, take out the trash and clean the living room. ive also walked to the mall and back for lunch, walked bella twice, and had a long conversation with my mom. i feel good about how much ive achieved today. now i just really want a milky way hot chocolate. i think ive had a great day mostly because i heard from jb this morning...he makes me happy in the simpliest ways. now im gonna just relax for a couple hours until i go into work at 6 then im just closing up and comin home to party with the crew.
p.s. i love you
im not sure how i should feel about this but i woke up so sad, all i could think about was jb and the last time he was here laying in bed beside me holding me softly, lovingly...i can still hardly believe this entire week was real. i decided to get online to post the pictures from yesterday to facebook and saw that i had a message in my inbox and i prayed with everything i had it was from him, so you can imagine how happy i was to see it really was from him. it was just a short note telling me that his phone was off so if i had been trying to contact him that was why he hadnt been answering and that he hoped everything was good for me...and even tho he didnt say it or type it..i know that at the end of that short note he was thinking to himself 'i love and miss you'.
at times like these, i feel like were never supposed to be apart...times like these make me truly believe he and i are supposed to be together at the end of all this madness. it makes me think of when i was at the peak of things with jacob, and jb would send me pictures of flowers everyday and how just getting them made my day...it made me so happy to hear from him. he has a way of evoking strong emotions from me, sometimes good sometimes bad... i cant pretend to know why things happened the way they did, i never wanted to hurt him. i would shield him from every pain in the world if i could. I know everything happens for a reason, and i know that one way or another the summer was a pivitol thing for us. i know we need this space so im doing my best to not make amends with him. maybe the space will help him heal..that still doesnt tell me what i was suppose to get out of it. i never stopped loving jb...at times i decided not to deal with how he was treating me or what he was putting me thru, but nothing can take away from the way i feel about him.
i am still trying to just sit back and let life go however it may and not attempt to control anything because i feel life works best that way. so no matter how much i miss him, i am trying to just leave it be. he may think that its suppose to mean i dont care and that not true at all....it just means that this isnt our time. i miss him, and for now i am so very happy i heard from him. im gonna clean and re-arrange my room now. maybe ill go lay by the pool when im done with that. i have work at 6 tonight and were all supposed to go out again to xs just like every wednesday. i wish i could invite jb to come with me...i miss him something terrible. so if by chance he decides to read this he will see just how much i really do think about him, care about him, and love him...
at times like these, i feel like were never supposed to be apart...times like these make me truly believe he and i are supposed to be together at the end of all this madness. it makes me think of when i was at the peak of things with jacob, and jb would send me pictures of flowers everyday and how just getting them made my day...it made me so happy to hear from him. he has a way of evoking strong emotions from me, sometimes good sometimes bad... i cant pretend to know why things happened the way they did, i never wanted to hurt him. i would shield him from every pain in the world if i could. I know everything happens for a reason, and i know that one way or another the summer was a pivitol thing for us. i know we need this space so im doing my best to not make amends with him. maybe the space will help him heal..that still doesnt tell me what i was suppose to get out of it. i never stopped loving jb...at times i decided not to deal with how he was treating me or what he was putting me thru, but nothing can take away from the way i feel about him.
i am still trying to just sit back and let life go however it may and not attempt to control anything because i feel life works best that way. so no matter how much i miss him, i am trying to just leave it be. he may think that its suppose to mean i dont care and that not true at all....it just means that this isnt our time. i miss him, and for now i am so very happy i heard from him. im gonna clean and re-arrange my room now. maybe ill go lay by the pool when im done with that. i have work at 6 tonight and were all supposed to go out again to xs just like every wednesday. i wish i could invite jb to come with me...i miss him something terrible. so if by chance he decides to read this he will see just how much i really do think about him, care about him, and love him...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
beach day getaway
Had a pretty good day...it was nice to get away. The beach always seems to be soothing just when i need it. Hit the gym early this morning, then walked the girls and left for st. augustine around 1. had subway for lunch, laid out on the beach for probably about an hour or two, then decided to hit up the town because the sun was hiding behind clouds most of the time. Once in town, we parked at the visitors center and strolled thru several blocks of the historic downtown area. we went to the oldest pharmacy where they had all kinds of ancient indian remedies. jwoww and i got friendship rings..mine says "j <3 c" and hers says "C <3 J" and we both got them on our wedding ring finger....we're fake married now lol. we casually went in and out of all kinds of shops looking at everything from hermet crabs to sweaters taking pictures all along the way. at one point we even went into an art museum!
we got the most delicious hot chocolate then headed over to the fort to take more pictures...i got some really great ones. we headed back to the car and came back to town. once we got back to gainesville we let the girls out again, and headed up to the hot tub. it was a great way to end a good day... ive really been missing jb...i know the seperation is best but it still doesnt stop me from wishing he was here or that i could hear his voice just once more. i was texting him randomly throughout the day a couple days ago and he stopped answering, so i did my best to not talk to him at all yesterday which i am proud to say i accomplished..it was really hard. this morning on the way to the beach a song came on and made me think of him and i gave in and texted him to no avail (he still didnt answer).
so when i got home and in bed, i decided i would call and see why he hasnt been answering me. as it turns out, his phone is off. makes sense..and makes me feel better. atleast i know he isnt ignoring me on purpose. or atleast im pretty sure he isnt. i guess we'll see what happens. maybe the idea that i cant reach him anyway will make me stop trying. im watching a sappy sad love movie about a widow, and im so annoyed by the cat at the moment because she is destroying my bathroom. i am hoping getting some rest will make me feel a bit more productive tomorrow...i still really want to move around my room. and i really hope i get a good nights rest, i feel like i havent slept in days.
we got the most delicious hot chocolate then headed over to the fort to take more pictures...i got some really great ones. we headed back to the car and came back to town. once we got back to gainesville we let the girls out again, and headed up to the hot tub. it was a great way to end a good day... ive really been missing jb...i know the seperation is best but it still doesnt stop me from wishing he was here or that i could hear his voice just once more. i was texting him randomly throughout the day a couple days ago and he stopped answering, so i did my best to not talk to him at all yesterday which i am proud to say i accomplished..it was really hard. this morning on the way to the beach a song came on and made me think of him and i gave in and texted him to no avail (he still didnt answer).
so when i got home and in bed, i decided i would call and see why he hasnt been answering me. as it turns out, his phone is off. makes sense..and makes me feel better. atleast i know he isnt ignoring me on purpose. or atleast im pretty sure he isnt. i guess we'll see what happens. maybe the idea that i cant reach him anyway will make me stop trying. im watching a sappy sad love movie about a widow, and im so annoyed by the cat at the moment because she is destroying my bathroom. i am hoping getting some rest will make me feel a bit more productive tomorrow...i still really want to move around my room. and i really hope i get a good nights rest, i feel like i havent slept in days.
Monday, March 7, 2011
race
I just woke up, and i feel so empowered and motivated. I had this crazy dream, and i am a big believer in your dreams being your unconscious speaking to you so i always look them up and 99% of the time they are spot on.
In the dream, i was at my dads house with my whole family (mom, step dad, brother, sister, step mom and dad). my sister and i are playing and she realizes my mom left us there. i got really upset and called her and i was like why did you leave, and she said something about us not being ready so she left. then i started yelling at her about how she didn't even tell us she was leaving and she hung up on me. so i called right back she answers i yell so you hang up on me! and she does it again. then I'm like fuck it whatever. i go upstairs to someones bed which has a piss pot installed in it. my mom would never let me use it so i decided i wanted to thinking to myself, ill show her to hang up on me. then my dad yells up the stairs that were leaving.
so i come down and we all start swimming....in the ocean... so i look up and see the city and i yell "daddy, look its so beautiful!" then realize how far out i am and say to myself "Ive never swam this far before" and i guess my dad heard me and said "well lets see how much farther you can go." suddenly theres an announcer over a loud speaker telling everyone about our race...and i think the race was supposed to be the entire length of Florida. when i got to the end of Florida there was a wall with a stop light and a small island to my left with little kids playing building sand castles.
I think, well if i can swim this far why stop here? so i turn around and keep going. i guess i was the first to reach the wall but it didn't really become a race until i turned around to go back. then i was racing my dad, my brother, some old hot guy, and my sister. the announcer kept saying who was in what place and i just kept pushing to be the best. i reached the wall at the beginning of Florida and everyone cheered for me. we got out of the water and my mom was there to pick up my brother. he was like i got second place in the race. my mom congratulated him and said we should go celebrate and he says i cant i just got arrested. so we went to bail him out and suddenly we were all animals. i don't remember who was who, but i know my cuteness got the guard to let us go...then i woke up..
according to dreammoods, which is my very favorite site to look up my dreams, this is what it meant:
To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation
To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.
To dream that you are running in a marathon, represents life's journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it.
To dream that you are in a race, represents your competitive spirit and how you tend to measure yourself against others.
If you dream that you win a race, then it represents your full potential and your ability to achieve your goals. You are feeling empowered and able to overcome your obstacles and those who stand in your way.�The dream gives you confidence and may be a "rehearsal" for your success.
To dream that you are being arrested, indicates issues of control and restraint. Some aspect of your Self may have been prevented from fully developing.
To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.
And my horoscope for today said: Things are about to change for you. Whether that change is good remains to be seen -- knowing your track record, however, things will likely take a turn for the worse. It's really out of your hands. All you can do is hope for the best.
and the tarot part said "don't interfere with the natural progression and development of things that out of my hands at the moment, but know it is about time for a change. 'Give me a minute and it'll come to me'."
After all of that i feel like i am need to look my pain and fear right in the face and take it on. i know i will come out on top...and that everything will be more than just okay. my dreams seemed to be a sign of comfort and reassurance from God that everything will work out for the better, not to give in but rather to just let it go and see what great things happen when you let nature take its course. I feel like i need to stop sulking over the break up and start moving on. i need to just let go of trying to control the situation and let it take its coarse. i need to face the terrible horrible painful emotions I'm gonna have to go thru that way i lose all my baggage and come out on a-okay on top of everything ready to move on and be myself. i need to not worry about other people and know that i am not ready to bring someone else into my life right now. my life is this big messy emotional construction site....but when its done, life will be so much easier to manage. i know I'm gonna definitely need support from my friends and family to get thru it, but i also know they are all happy to help me move on and they want to see me succeed.
In the dream, i was at my dads house with my whole family (mom, step dad, brother, sister, step mom and dad). my sister and i are playing and she realizes my mom left us there. i got really upset and called her and i was like why did you leave, and she said something about us not being ready so she left. then i started yelling at her about how she didn't even tell us she was leaving and she hung up on me. so i called right back she answers i yell so you hang up on me! and she does it again. then I'm like fuck it whatever. i go upstairs to someones bed which has a piss pot installed in it. my mom would never let me use it so i decided i wanted to thinking to myself, ill show her to hang up on me. then my dad yells up the stairs that were leaving.
so i come down and we all start swimming....in the ocean... so i look up and see the city and i yell "daddy, look its so beautiful!" then realize how far out i am and say to myself "Ive never swam this far before" and i guess my dad heard me and said "well lets see how much farther you can go." suddenly theres an announcer over a loud speaker telling everyone about our race...and i think the race was supposed to be the entire length of Florida. when i got to the end of Florida there was a wall with a stop light and a small island to my left with little kids playing building sand castles.
I think, well if i can swim this far why stop here? so i turn around and keep going. i guess i was the first to reach the wall but it didn't really become a race until i turned around to go back. then i was racing my dad, my brother, some old hot guy, and my sister. the announcer kept saying who was in what place and i just kept pushing to be the best. i reached the wall at the beginning of Florida and everyone cheered for me. we got out of the water and my mom was there to pick up my brother. he was like i got second place in the race. my mom congratulated him and said we should go celebrate and he says i cant i just got arrested. so we went to bail him out and suddenly we were all animals. i don't remember who was who, but i know my cuteness got the guard to let us go...then i woke up..
according to dreammoods, which is my very favorite site to look up my dreams, this is what it meant:
To dream that you are stranded, represents your feelings of isolation and loneliness. You are seeking out for someone to help and rescue you from your situation
To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.
To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.
To dream that you are running in a marathon, represents life's journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it.
To dream that you are in a race, represents your competitive spirit and how you tend to measure yourself against others.
If you dream that you win a race, then it represents your full potential and your ability to achieve your goals. You are feeling empowered and able to overcome your obstacles and those who stand in your way.�The dream gives you confidence and may be a "rehearsal" for your success.
To dream that you are being arrested, indicates issues of control and restraint. Some aspect of your Self may have been prevented from fully developing.
To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. Alternatively, it suggests that you are refusing to face your problems. You are avoiding the situation, instead of confronting them.
And my horoscope for today said: Things are about to change for you. Whether that change is good remains to be seen -- knowing your track record, however, things will likely take a turn for the worse. It's really out of your hands. All you can do is hope for the best.
and the tarot part said "don't interfere with the natural progression and development of things that out of my hands at the moment, but know it is about time for a change. 'Give me a minute and it'll come to me'."
After all of that i feel like i am need to look my pain and fear right in the face and take it on. i know i will come out on top...and that everything will be more than just okay. my dreams seemed to be a sign of comfort and reassurance from God that everything will work out for the better, not to give in but rather to just let it go and see what great things happen when you let nature take its course. I feel like i need to stop sulking over the break up and start moving on. i need to just let go of trying to control the situation and let it take its coarse. i need to face the terrible horrible painful emotions I'm gonna have to go thru that way i lose all my baggage and come out on a-okay on top of everything ready to move on and be myself. i need to not worry about other people and know that i am not ready to bring someone else into my life right now. my life is this big messy emotional construction site....but when its done, life will be so much easier to manage. i know I'm gonna definitely need support from my friends and family to get thru it, but i also know they are all happy to help me move on and they want to see me succeed.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
:-/
i miss him. I cant wait to not feel anything anymore. i cant wait to be over it all. im happy its over. i really do think its for the best, at the least for right now. and ya i guess eventually i had to sit and feel it. my friends just keep telling me to be strong and push thru it... and i guess that would be alot easier to do if old memories didnt keep creeping in. i randomly thought about how he was at the begining of august, all the promises he made.... and broke...right along with my heart. my friends post said something about stop trying to find someone to love bc he will come along when your busy loving yourself....i guess i need to learn to do that. i sometimes think that one day he and i will end up getting back together, but recently i feel like its just never going to be possible. i wish he had some way to see exactly how i feel....whatever. i think i need to just go to sleep.
afterhours
today was such a long day. I found this nature trail nearby my place and decided to walk with bella down it and since it was in the woods i took her leash off and let her run free. She seemed like she had so much fun exploring and she never ran too far ahead of me. It was a nice change of scenery to be out on a 'hike' with bella. I also was looking on craigslist for a new car, im hoping to get one using the money im getting from my student loan. theres so much other crap i wanted to blog about but i dont feel like having feelings right now so i guess thats it lol.
Friday, March 4, 2011
when one door closes, another one opens.
So now im accepting what he wants to do.... things are over for natty jo and i. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks but it had to be done. the last couple years have been hell on us both. on tuesday he left me, late wednesday night/thursday morning he deleted me from his friends list then today he made his wall private so i couldnt see it and i decided i needed to just move forward.. its for the best...so i blocked him, more so that i cant look at his stuff rather than him being able to see mine.
I wish things could have worked out differently. This is how our last converstaion (which just happened) went:
Me: Im giving your brother you things.
him: okay thanks
me: mmhmm
me: i blocked you to make this easier on me. i dont know when we will talk again, but if you need to reach me you know my number.Sorry things couldnt work out better. Good luck with everything
him: lol same to you
me: if i see you out ill be civil just like i was today. i want you to know i do love you and i do care and i hope that we can be friends one day. if you ever need me ill be here.
him: ya ok
I did all i could do for this relationship, and it just wasnt working. so like i told my loko, he may have the satisfaction of walking away first, but i have the satisfaction of being able to say i was here and i tried no matter how hard it was on me. so now im putting him in the same box as jacob..the "i care and love you but you left me and im okay with that but dont you ever come back because this door is closed" box...the "im still processing these emotions but im moving on anyway" box.
I wish things could have worked out differently. This is how our last converstaion (which just happened) went:
Me: Im giving your brother you things.
him: okay thanks
me: mmhmm
me: i blocked you to make this easier on me. i dont know when we will talk again, but if you need to reach me you know my number.Sorry things couldnt work out better. Good luck with everything
him: lol same to you
me: if i see you out ill be civil just like i was today. i want you to know i do love you and i do care and i hope that we can be friends one day. if you ever need me ill be here.
him: ya ok
I did all i could do for this relationship, and it just wasnt working. so like i told my loko, he may have the satisfaction of walking away first, but i have the satisfaction of being able to say i was here and i tried no matter how hard it was on me. so now im putting him in the same box as jacob..the "i care and love you but you left me and im okay with that but dont you ever come back because this door is closed" box...the "im still processing these emotions but im moving on anyway" box.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
murphys law
just when it seems nothing else could possibly go wrong, my life keeps finding ways to prove me wrong. its 4am, and for some reason I'm rolling around in bed. i was damn near passed out about an hour ago. maybe it has something to do with the cat meowing, the dog making weird sounds, and the radio being on... after an hour of rolling i decided to get on facebook only to see natty jo deleted me from his friends. i don't even know what to think about this whole situation. i keep thinking is this shit real? apparently it is...just its all so sudden and out of the blue, i don't understand how i even got to this point.
I'm doing my best to just stay happy and not think about it because thinking about it depresses me. so I've stayed busy and hung out with friends. tonight i had a great time just hanging out with jwoww and bieber and his friends, it was so different than most times we go out. i guess maybe natty jo saw my status update about having fun and seen my picture change and got upset and decided to delete me. i guess i should just let him go and try to get over it, but its all out of the blue. i don't know why i want to talk to him so damn bad. every time i check his page i always say damn that was a bad idea why did i do that...so i don't know why i keep doing it. now i just feel sick. tomorrow is going to be such a long day. i have work until 3 then class until like 8.
at least i can't sit on facebook all day because i dropped my phone and broke the screen so i had to buy a new one. i hope things start coming together for me soon...this week has been terrible. i keep thinking what else could possibly happen?! and then something else happens and I'm always baffled...i am doing my best to stay positive and see the bright side to all this bullshit. like my roommate when ape shit on us so we told the office and they said if she doesn't play nice shes out. then i lost my bus pass and had to get another one. then the shit with natty Jo, i lost him because he went thru my stuff and decided he couldn't handle this 'relationship' anymore...downside i miss him like hell, upside..
i guess i can start moving on and try to make myself happy and maybe he will be happier too. i hope we can stay friends. then broke my phone....upside i did it within the 30 days so i still get the discounted price, downside i have to buy a new phone...i guess another upside is i need a new phone anyway. its like starting over right? I'm so sad about the way everything is going but I'm happy no one is leaving me alone. night time is the hardest, but i guess i have to feel the pain at some point. all i can do is take this one day at a time.
I'm doing my best to just stay happy and not think about it because thinking about it depresses me. so I've stayed busy and hung out with friends. tonight i had a great time just hanging out with jwoww and bieber and his friends, it was so different than most times we go out. i guess maybe natty jo saw my status update about having fun and seen my picture change and got upset and decided to delete me. i guess i should just let him go and try to get over it, but its all out of the blue. i don't know why i want to talk to him so damn bad. every time i check his page i always say damn that was a bad idea why did i do that...so i don't know why i keep doing it. now i just feel sick. tomorrow is going to be such a long day. i have work until 3 then class until like 8.
at least i can't sit on facebook all day because i dropped my phone and broke the screen so i had to buy a new one. i hope things start coming together for me soon...this week has been terrible. i keep thinking what else could possibly happen?! and then something else happens and I'm always baffled...i am doing my best to stay positive and see the bright side to all this bullshit. like my roommate when ape shit on us so we told the office and they said if she doesn't play nice shes out. then i lost my bus pass and had to get another one. then the shit with natty Jo, i lost him because he went thru my stuff and decided he couldn't handle this 'relationship' anymore...downside i miss him like hell, upside..
i guess i can start moving on and try to make myself happy and maybe he will be happier too. i hope we can stay friends. then broke my phone....upside i did it within the 30 days so i still get the discounted price, downside i have to buy a new phone...i guess another upside is i need a new phone anyway. its like starting over right? I'm so sad about the way everything is going but I'm happy no one is leaving me alone. night time is the hardest, but i guess i have to feel the pain at some point. all i can do is take this one day at a time.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Rhyme or reason
Everything happens for a reason. To my friends who are (and have been) here when i need them, thank you so much. None of you will understand just how much it means to me. Tonight, i almost broke down and called him but i reached out to my friends and got a great response and now i don't feel alone. He read my blog today... and understandably he was deeply hurt and he left. he told me we were seriously over. I left work an hour before i intended to because i couldn't control my emotions and i wanted to try to manage the situation...which didn't work. so i tried just continuing what i was planning on doing today as if he was just busy. Class went well, i really like the teacher and i know a couple people in the class so that's nice. i have work in 8 hours. another sleepless night. i miss him but i feel like we need this break and i should leave him be. but i want him to know i love him dearly. i guess whatever is meant to be will be.
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