Tidal Wave

As I sit on my couch spaced out trying to figure out how to explain my feelings to my 2 closest friends, the only image in my head is being caught up in a tidal wave. It's like I don't know which way is up and I just keep swimming trying to keep strong and find my way above water so I can breathe, so I can survive... but I'm so lost, everything looks the same and it seems the harder I fight to get my head above water the farther I drown. I feel like I'm suffocating. Funny how heartbreak can so closely relate to drowning.

I feel like I cant even turn to anyone because I am so thoroughly embarrassed about the situation. It's been more than a year that we have been going back and forth, I've lost count of how many times I said I was gonna leave and everyone was so proud of me, so proud of my decision and so supportive, and then I end up not leaving and I hate to disappoint everyone that actually means something to me...then I get stressed because I feel obligated to follow through with my decision but then I'm stuck between what i want and what is good for me... and I hate going back and forth.... and whats worse is knowing logically whats best for me but somehow I am so weak where JB is concerned and I cant seem to be able to step away.


I'm listening to Pandora radio while I write, "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys is on....this song makes me think of Jacob, quite a distraction to my current train of thought might I just add. About Jacob...what an amazing experience. I actually left JB over the summer, when i was so fed up with the way he treated me...calling me a whore, never wanting to see me unless it was for sex, making me feel like it was my fault if i missed his calls...and Jacob was there showing me what a guy should really treat me like...i feel so hard for Jacob. After spending the summer with him, and becoming a stronger person thanks to him and my friends i started talking to JB again. I dont know how it happened...he made me believe he saw his flaws and would be better this time..he was so sincere, and i really believed him. Oh what a fool i was to ever think things would be different.

So I tried working things out with JB while slowly phasing out any friendship with Jacob because JB was somehow so devastated about the relationship. Meanwhile, JB insists on keeping ties with people who have broken down our relationship and  put us on the rocks, makes me wonder about whether it was ever a good idea for me to cut ties just because he is so insecure and I just tried to help...unlike anything he has ever done for me. So I've exhausted myself, put out my own flame trying to heal his scars.Does he appreciate it or even care? Hell no. He has become an egocentric selfish mentally abusive controlling prick. He as a way of twisting stories to make himself look like a victim so that people will pity him and be his friend, and give him attention. Its made me a mean angry person. Its made me lost and confused, which brings me full circle back to being consumed by a tidal wave of emotions. I guess this is enough for my first post.