i wish i could shake off waking up feeling depressed every. single. day. it even comes thru sometimes throughout my day as well...which is weird because nothing bad has happened and yet i keep helplessly falling into these funks. This morning i was rolling around waking up slowly thinking to myself....is the bathroom a mess since i left bella out all night? what day is it? i think its sunday, i guess natty jo isnt going to church...i feel sick. i cant be sick i need to donate for my phone...hmm my phone will still be off on tuesday, that means i wont get any birthday calls...birthday, wow my birthday is on tuesday, i bet Natty Jo is still gonna hang out with Savar on tuesday...greaaaaaat im not gonna say anything either, lets see how important i am to him. if he goes, i wont speak to him the rest of the day. honestly if he goes i might go into hiding. im not gonna remind anyone about my birthday. i wanna see who remembers, which will probably be no one. yes i am well aware im not actually important to anyone, which is fine with me. i know im a nobody and completly okay with it. One day, i will matter to someone.
Yesterday after blogging and hanging out at home for a bit lokopants finally woke up and i went to get her. when i got there i was rehashing the details of the night before, and it was hilarious...somehow i havent been able to put those funny stories on paper the same i way i can say them to others. yesterday was such a beautiful day. the sun was shining, it was a perfect 71 degrees out with a slight breeze...perfect day for tanning. perfect day for anything outdoors really...and everyone i know stayed in and slept because everyone was hungover...what a waste of a perfectly good day. today is looking like it might just be about the same as yesterday, its 65 degrees now... i'll just cross my fingers.
i feel like slapping myself right now, i hate being sad. im getting on my own nerves. im like "stop being so pouty already, just get over yourself..think positive, be happy." I've done everything i can to be happy and somehow im just... not. im pretty sure its thinking about how much im doing for a certain someone and knowing that person is never gonna do anything for me. its not like i do nice things to get anything in return, bc im not expecting anything...its just knowing that i wont hurts. i hurt myself just to make others happy. i think i may have forgotten how to be happy. i dont do anything for me, especially bc the few times i have i get guilt tripped about what a selfish bitch i am. everything is all about him, and nothing is ever for me...unless its blame, all the bad shit is my fault. atleast he's happy, right? Yesterday we were talking about something i didnt like but he didnt understand why i didnt like it...and we've been thru this particular discussion a billion times before and he kept trying to make me see things from his point of view so i would no longer be bothered by them rather then him having to see things from my point of view and change them. See he's never wrong, im the one who has to make all the changes and adjustments. And if theres a double standard, its because im a no good two timing cheating lying whore so i dont deserve whatever rights he has because well he's never done anything. one day, someone will think my happiness is important, that i am important... and i wont be sad anymore.
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."~ MLK Jr.
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