twenty four

Natty Jo just got back from his first day at his mma kickboxing class with jay. Jay strongly disagrees with us being together, so much so that he has recently strongly suggested that Natty Jo walk away without question because supposedly "im playing him". He just came back with Natty Jo asking to use my shower...being the nice person that i am, i said yes...Natty jo told him to take one first because he wanted to spend a few minuutes with me. However we're already starting to fight. I feel like tomorrow is gonna be a day full of fighting. He isnt gonna care what day of the year it is...its not gonna matter if hes mad about absolutely nothing then we're still gonna fight. All i can do is pray that im wrong, pray that all of my efforts to keep the peace dont suddenly explode in my face...but i feel it coming, its about time for it to happen. things can only be good between us for a limited time before we start to fight again. 47 minutes until my birthday...i guess ill be posting again soon.

Why so serious?

Today was mostly uneventful, yet very productive. I managed to turn in my paperwork, get some great ideas for a minor from the school counselor, and donate. i decided to skip salsa because im not feeling very well...could be in a funk, could be tired, could just be low blood sugar from donating..who knows. The one positive thing that i have gotten from both the ramblings of my last few posts and being around certain people is that i need to get back into my bible and turn to God. i have certainly neglected that relationship for much too long.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Perpendicular failure

Good morning!! i slept so good last night, but i definitely could have gone with a better way to be woken up lol. So i have a long list of things to accomplish today, and normally i would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off right now because normally i would be catching the bus to visit Natty Jo at school especially since i have to go there anyway...but not today. today i am waking up slowly and pleasantly at my own pace and whenever i get my ass outta bed ill start my day.


I need to turn in a paper so that i get financial aid, print and get another signed so that i get more money and i absolutely must find my way to the donation center today to ensure my phone is back on asap. I might as well throw in checking on a couple jobs and doing salsa classes tonight while im at it. Today is my last day being 23...its so weird that im getting older. It gives me this horrid feeling that i should be more responsible. Its so much pressure from nowhere lol. I keep feeling like there are things i should be doing with my life that i absolutely am not because somehow id rather have fun than be responsible...who does that? haha.. whats worse is that most of the time im not even having fun when im doing it, and i usually have these empty crazy nights bc its what everyone around me wants and im just trying to make them happy. looks like i need to make alot of changes.

I feel like i should be on a rush course to finish school, i should have a solid career, i should have a car, a steady means of communication, and a beautifully decorated homey place to call my own with a large manicured yard shaded by willow trees blowing casually in the wind and several flower gardens on the top of a hill overlooking the ocean. I feel like i should be having tea parties and friends over for dinner, and movie nights or game nights, and i feel like i should be in a stable good standing relationship headed for marriage

Instead im enrolled in one class to finish the aa degree i should have finished more than a year ago, i have no job or job leads, i take the bus or catch a ride everywhere, my phone is a prepaid phone that gets turned off everytime im suppose to refill the minutes bc i always wait till then (im not sure why bc it always annoys me) and i live in a horribly annoying college apartment with two roommates. I have a long term on and off now non-relationship that seems to be going nowhere because we are both always waiting for things to get bad considering thats how it always is its what makes sense...and I go to four loko parties and drunkenly eat pizza afterwords. My life is not what i dreamnt it would be right now to say the least.

I suppose after all this complaining i should be thanking God that i have everything i do. I never go without anything i need, and im not gonna try to take credit for it either. Most of the time these days i dont know where my next meal will come from and there is always the possibility that i could be evicted for non payment...yet i eat at least 2 square meals everyday and i still live in this shit hole apartment. So thank you Lord, for taking care of me.  I think its about time i get my lazy ass outta bed and make something of myself.

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but i can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody." ~Herbert Baynard Swope

special k

Today has been a relaxing calm day. It's been so blan, i almost dont remember anything about it. I introduced Natty Jo to the art of blogging, he immediately became addicted, understandably so. I decided to clean the kitchen while waiting giving him space to blog freely which was much needed because i took out 3 bags of trash and ran a completly full load in the dishwasher. After he was done, we did a few compatibilty tests online just for fun, which all said we were somewhat compatible but it would require alot of work...aint that the truth.

He ordered a pizza for us, then laid on my lap kind of napping while i was looking thru my old status' i think the oldest one was from 2009, and reading it was quite interesting...it looks like ive never really been happy with him and the happiest time in my life happen to be when i was alone over the summer for just about one month. that was with jacob.... otherwise i have ups and downs contstanly with Natty jo. It almost made me want to walk away before we encounter another down...things are good right now. but thats for now. i found some pretty entertaining status' in my history and alot of interesting quotes...one was " you gotta do what my tassle does nigga" and another was "i wanna sex your face"... ya that was about how my summer went lol. i miss the happiness. after looking thru my status history i just shut the comouter down and cleaned out natty jos nasty ears and cleaned his earrings then cut his nails, hes so spoiled...what a brat.

While going thru my status' i found this one that reminded me of the most special song ever...i cant help but laugh, only someone like me would find something this dumb and enjoy it...so here's the link...enjoy a laugh, pay attention to the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONdKYbmOV0

Shake it off

i wish i could shake off waking up feeling depressed every. single. day. it even comes thru sometimes throughout my day as well...which is weird because nothing bad has happened and yet i keep helplessly falling into these funks. This morning i was rolling around waking up slowly thinking to myself....is the bathroom a mess since i left bella out all night? what day is it? i think its sunday, i guess natty jo isnt going to church...i feel sick. i cant be sick i need to donate for my phone...hmm my phone will still be off on tuesday, that means i wont get any birthday calls...birthday, wow my birthday is on tuesday, i bet Natty Jo is still gonna hang out with Savar on tuesday...greaaaaaat im not gonna say anything either, lets see how important i am to him. if he goes, i wont speak to him the rest of the day. honestly if he goes i might go into hiding. im not gonna remind anyone about my birthday. i wanna see who remembers, which will probably be no one. yes i am well aware im not actually important to anyone, which is fine with me. i know im a nobody and completly okay with it. One day, i will matter to someone.

Yesterday after blogging and hanging out at home for a bit lokopants finally woke up and i went to get her. when i got there i was rehashing the details of the night before, and it was hilarious...somehow i havent been able to put those funny stories on paper the same i way i can say them to others. yesterday was such a beautiful day. the sun was shining, it was a perfect 71 degrees out with a slight breeze...perfect day for tanning. perfect day for anything outdoors really...and everyone i know stayed in and slept because everyone was hungover...what a waste of a perfectly good day. today is looking like it might just be about the same as yesterday, its 65 degrees now... i'll just cross my fingers.

i feel like slapping myself right now, i hate being sad. im getting on my own nerves. im like "stop being so pouty already, just get over yourself..think positive, be happy." I've done everything i can to be happy and somehow im just... not. im pretty sure its thinking about how much im doing for a certain someone and knowing that person is never gonna do anything for me. its not like i do nice things to get anything in return, bc im not expecting anything...its just knowing that i wont hurts. i hurt myself just to make others happy. i think i may have forgotten how to be happy. i dont do anything for me, especially bc the few times i have i get guilt tripped about what a selfish bitch i am. everything is all about him, and nothing is ever for me...unless its blame, all the bad shit is my fault. atleast he's happy, right? Yesterday we were talking about something i didnt like but he didnt understand why i didnt like it...and we've been thru this particular discussion a billion times before and he kept trying to make me see things from his point of view so i would no longer be bothered by them rather then him having to see things from my point of view and change them. See he's never wrong, im the one who has to make all the changes and adjustments. And if theres a double standard, its because im a no good two timing cheating lying whore so i dont deserve whatever rights he has because well he's never done anything. one day, someone will think my happiness is important, that i am important... and i wont be sad anymore.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."~ MLK Jr.  

one, two, three, walk

Last night....i can't think of any word better fitting than epic. after leaving sfc yesterday, i didnt have the opportunity to donate so we decided to relax in the hot tub instead. On the way there, we saw a guy on a bicycle get hit by a car...for the record he was okay...but still, its not everyday you see someone get hit! We stayed at the jacuzzi for about an hour before heading back to my place to shower.

That started the epic beginning of the night. After Jwoww, Natty Jo, and i finished getting ready we headed over to hangout at happytown with Lokopants and Bieber.We drank while Lokopants got ready then headed out to midtown. We parked (and partied) at a friends then went to xs.  After a couple drinks i found myself trying to pick up Natty Jo. He was so attractive, so irresistible and he smelled so damn good. We flirted so intensely i kept forgetting we were there with other people lol.

Eventually Bieber and Jwoww showed up. Natty Jo said he thinks Bieber is his new best friend, it was so cute! Speaking of gay moments Lokopants and Jwoww made out..... like 3 times... Lokopants was a complete wastecase for the first time ever...its okay, it happens to us all. i was just happy i could be there to help her out. We partied for a couple hours then we left the club and went back to our friends place. This really nice girl named anna helped us get Lokopants back to our friends. She took her arm in arm talking to her quitely saying "you never know where the cops are so you just have to say to yourself one, two, three, walk and you cant yell. if you feel like yelling just say one, two three... and dance!" it was a fantastic and entertaining very much appreciated random act of kindness. Thank you Anna.

Once back at our friends place, Jwoww passed out on the couch, Bieber and Natty Jo were hanging out in the living room and Lokopants and i were in the bathroom.What seemed like an eternity later, we went back to my place. Once we got here i couldn't thank God enough for being back home. i was soooo happy to be laying in my own bed. After an AMAZING night with Natty Jo, i completely passed out and had the best night of sleep possible. i dont think i moved even once. honestly i didnt expect last night to be that wonderful.

Quickie ;)

So i have 10 minutes to blog before i am off and running to catch yet another bus...the bus system something i have come to hate and love at the same time. hate because it is somehow never convienent enough for me and love because it means i can actually go places lol. anyway, i had such a cranky start to my day..i think its because i had to run (literaly!!!) for the bus then when i got to sfc specifically to see JB he had a bitch fit and stormed off faster than i could follow...and all i could think is "why bother?". yes...why bother running after you, im right here i came to you and i see no reason to chase you. if you want me, just stay put. you dont even have to come to me, just stop running off....to best describe this non-relationship i must quote a movie. "Dating you is like dating a stair master".... anyway, its worth so little of my time that im just gonna move right along to another topic :)

I love that my two closest friends are just as bitchy and mean as i am. This girls, is for you. I saw this girl with a pony tail ON TOP OF HER HEAD. at school none the less. i can keep my composure when someone faceplants into coffee, but couldnt hold it in for this. i wish atleast one of you had been present to see it, because i couldnt truly enjoy it without you.

I am actually at sfc because i needed to talk to the financial aid center, and it turns out they are completly useless...but one good thing behind chasing JB's dumbass (really im the dumbass for following, but whatever) was that i ran intoi a friend who gave me the idea to add a minor so that i suddenly need more credits which gives me the opportunity to get more financial aid money. yay! more money! lol. so now im gonna find a class i wanna take which i kind of did and see how it goes. wish me luck! now im off to sell my body for money...im donating plasma, geez where is your mind at?!  Then ill be off to enjoy the night with my inspiration hp and her thousands of zombies hahaha. bus is here!

morning thoughts

Funny the one thing i need to function is music. i sat down to start my blog and couldnt even process a thought until i turned on Pandora. I even tried to draw inspiration from reading my friends blog, but all i got from that was a ton of laughs....atleast it was entertaining. then i was just like crap...why i cant i think of anything to talk about other than the status of my fucked up non-relationship with JB?! kinda makes me angry. so i dont want to talk about that....this is a total wayyy off topic tangent...Back to music. I love how i just feel it deep in my soul and it wakes me up and almost motivates me to get the fuck up and do something with my life. im not feeling very motivated today..i woke up thinking to myself "what am i doing with my life?" its pretty rare for that to be a first thought....usually my first thoughts are along the lines of "shut up bella", "what time is it", "im soooo hungry", or i have to pee..." but never something as serious as "what am i doing with my life?". I dont like being a party girl, but i do like hanging out with friends. i hate being a constant wastecase, and honestly i would MUCH rather have quality fun that i can actually remember. Anyway...i should do something since ive been talking about how i dont do anything lol

2 step

Today was an unusual day. JB canceled his plans with Annie and stayed with me last night instead, that made me very happy. This morning he left to visit with Savar again, im trying to just think of him as a friend to make it easier for me to not care who he hangs out with. After he left i decided to go to class with jwoww, which was actually pretty entertaining. We came home, and i proceeded to put together a resume for a job at the mall as a receptionist for the nail salon. i actually just got home from turning it in.

i feel good about the way things are going right now. I feel like im making progress where my life is concerned when JB has less to do with it and funny enough i think he feels the same way. I was talking to Jwoww about it and how i think JB is a very attractive, nice guy and that all in all he is exactly what i want in a man, there are just some hurdles we have to jump first and clear the road off a little.

im not sure if he's the one im suppose to be with or not, in some ways im okay with the idea of ending up with him and in other ways im hopeful that someone else will come along. The motto for this year is be here now...im not gonna worry about any of that mess. Im just gonna worry about what i have to do today, and when tomorrow gets here i'll deal with it. Until then, theres nothing i can do about it! So i leave it all in Gods hands and honestly it makes my life a whole lot easier!

Fill'er up

Being with JB for so long, ive never had the opportunity to pursue new hobbies. However all this newfound spare time has to be filled somehow. Today, i took the time to visit him at school, which my gut instinct kept telling me would be a bad idea. It wasn't horrible, but it definitely wasn't my best idea either. After coming home and creating my first blog, i started to feel a bit better. I decided to be nice, and bring him his phone charger, which ofcoarse is to no advantage to me bc i have very little expectation i'll be the one he's contacting tonight. From my understanding, he is planning on going to the club with Annie, presumably alone, then spending the night at her apartment (supposedly so that he doesnt have to call his dad for a ride) and because he wants to spend time with savar again tomorrow until she has class and he has work. looks like he has his hands full.

After leaving his job (because thats where he was when i brought him his charger) i started thinking, maybe i should just start thinking of him as just another friend...maybe then i wont care what he's doing. And if i dont care, then i dont hurt. so far it seems like a fantastic idea. While waiting on the bus and thinking over this grand idea, i overheard some students saying something about a free intermediate salsa class that meets twice a week. i went to check it out then came home. I must say i am pretty excited about attending, and jessica agreed to be my date : )

So this is how you pull your life back together. monday and wednesday is salsa class, tuesday is flirty girl fitness, thursday is jersey shore...im thinking about making it into a bit of a gathering, and friday is gator nights. so far so good :) now i just have to find a day job to fill the rest of my time! i must say, while this is difficult and painful and sometimes i just want to jump off a cliff, other times...like right now...it feels damn good to be able to pull myself together and do something positive with my life.

Tidal Wave

As I sit on my couch spaced out trying to figure out how to explain my feelings to my 2 closest friends, the only image in my head is being caught up in a tidal wave. It's like I don't know which way is up and I just keep swimming trying to keep strong and find my way above water so I can breathe, so I can survive... but I'm so lost, everything looks the same and it seems the harder I fight to get my head above water the farther I drown. I feel like I'm suffocating. Funny how heartbreak can so closely relate to drowning.

I feel like I cant even turn to anyone because I am so thoroughly embarrassed about the situation. It's been more than a year that we have been going back and forth, I've lost count of how many times I said I was gonna leave and everyone was so proud of me, so proud of my decision and so supportive, and then I end up not leaving and I hate to disappoint everyone that actually means something to me...then I get stressed because I feel obligated to follow through with my decision but then I'm stuck between what i want and what is good for me... and I hate going back and forth.... and whats worse is knowing logically whats best for me but somehow I am so weak where JB is concerned and I cant seem to be able to step away.


I'm listening to Pandora radio while I write, "Unthinkable" by Alicia Keys is on....this song makes me think of Jacob, quite a distraction to my current train of thought might I just add. About Jacob...what an amazing experience. I actually left JB over the summer, when i was so fed up with the way he treated me...calling me a whore, never wanting to see me unless it was for sex, making me feel like it was my fault if i missed his calls...and Jacob was there showing me what a guy should really treat me like...i feel so hard for Jacob. After spending the summer with him, and becoming a stronger person thanks to him and my friends i started talking to JB again. I dont know how it happened...he made me believe he saw his flaws and would be better this time..he was so sincere, and i really believed him. Oh what a fool i was to ever think things would be different.

So I tried working things out with JB while slowly phasing out any friendship with Jacob because JB was somehow so devastated about the relationship. Meanwhile, JB insists on keeping ties with people who have broken down our relationship and  put us on the rocks, makes me wonder about whether it was ever a good idea for me to cut ties just because he is so insecure and I just tried to help...unlike anything he has ever done for me. So I've exhausted myself, put out my own flame trying to heal his scars.Does he appreciate it or even care? Hell no. He has become an egocentric selfish mentally abusive controlling prick. He as a way of twisting stories to make himself look like a victim so that people will pity him and be his friend, and give him attention. Its made me a mean angry person. Its made me lost and confused, which brings me full circle back to being consumed by a tidal wave of emotions. I guess this is enough for my first post.