Theres something about him that is just so damn hard to let go. Im writing this because its been quite awhile since we've talked and i dont want to change that, despite what im about to type....
Insanity is commonly defined as doing the same thing expecting different results. I think i have been insane for the last couple years. Lately, like in the last couple months i've been mostly doing my own thing and occasionally slipping and talking to him again then remembering why i stopped in the first place.
I have come to the conclussion that i am still deeply in love with the idea of my ex yet totally and completely despise who he actually is. its a strange place to be. I find it difficult to really move on completely because who he was...who he isnt anymore and i have to remind myself constanly that he never will be again,....who he was is everything i want and more. Its hard to have what you want, or atleast what you think is what you want ,at arms reach and still have to go look for it someplace else. its like subway telling me that dont sell subs.
Moving on is a ridiculously painful process. i miss him everyday. i'm both happy and disappointed everyday when i dont hear from him. i guess in some small way im still expecting..and somewhat morbidly hoping...for him to come-to and realize he's let go of what we had and come running after me. I still cry everyday because he hurt me so deeply and i just dont understand how in hell he could have ever done that to me. i still have nightmares every night. I still cant sleep because hes in all my dreams. I still roll over to cuddle with him then snap awake realizing im in bed alone only to realize what i was doing.
In the process of packing and moving i've been finding all of our happy memories, all the letters full of broken promises and evidence that it was real...which is what caused this random blog...idk how else to get it out and i dont want to keep it in. my heart is so completely broken at the loss of him. im sureeee i'll find someone better suited for me, but that doesnt take away an ounce of the pain. and theres no doubt that i love him unconditionally because no matter what he does or has done to me, i always forgive him and i still want just him...forever... but im chosing to move on because i have to override my feelings for what time has shown me.
a fairly relevent quotes come to mind. "memories keep the feelings alive." true story. so i decided that if i really am moving on and never looking back, i have to kill the memories. that means burn pile, new apartment, and new phone number. I've already deleted all his pictures from my fb profile pic album and im getting rid of all the things we had together. and i made a tough decision for my best interest. i have until sunday and noon to get all the feelings, thoughts, and stories out. i have until i am officially moved out of this apartment. then im not going to speak of it again.
im hoping that if i make the conscious effort not to talk about him it will make me stop thinking about him and give me the opportunity to truly move on. and to ensure he cant call me from his phone or someone elses im thinking of changing my number.thats assuming he would try to..which at this moment seems like a waste of my time because he doesnt want me anymore and im well aware of it. These are important changes for me tho bc they make it so that he wont know where i live, wont know my number, and wont be able to contact me via fb bc i blocked him. *takes a deep breath* i find myself wishing it had just worked. I really loved him....strike that, love him...present tense. it probably wont ever go away. he really was everything i wanted...i just dont get it. but the part of him that ive tried to hold on to for so long is dead and gone and i am only hurting and hindering myself trying to revive it.
So now i lay in my bed, another night thinking of him...missing him, wishing he was here, wishing things were different, wishing i could just wake up and realize that its all been a bad dream. i lay here crying at the knowledge that its over. and eveytime i get the overwhelming urge to give in and call him i force myself to think of every way he has and is hurting me and i put the phone down, roll over and put my face in my pillow and just scream and cry because the pain is too much to bare. here's to another sleepless night.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
how does it feel?
"Every time your phone rings your heart skips a beat because you think it's the one person you were thinking about. how does it feel when its not? or do you find yourself looking to certain places hoping to see that person walking toward you but they never come! how does it feel? do you think about someone almost constantly and want to talk to them but for various reasons cant... how does that feel? do you miss someone so much you have physical pain? how does it feel? do you ever wish you could feel the touch from someone but it never comes... how does it feel? do you miss their smile their laugh the look in their eyes when they look at you! how does it feel? because i feel all this and more everyday! especially right now!"
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
This is something Jb wrote about me on august 19, 2010. strange that i find myself at a loss for any words to more perfectly describe how i feel. i just called into work sick because i couldn't sleep last night because i missed him so much it physically hurt and i was sick all night from it. i didn't even fall asleep until i finally gave in and text him at 5am, and even then i didn't fall asleep until 630. it just makes me feel like a fucking psycho how I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.
It seems like the more i try to fix things the more i break them. There are two sides to my thoughts on the relationship....the light side is how i regularly feel and the dark side comes out when i get tired of being on the offense all the time and just want him to cut me a break and see how much i love him. the dark side thinks that he and i are just too far gone and its best to just leave the pieces where they may lie and walk away but the light side still only wants to be with him and i keep hoping things will change between us so we can be happy the way we use to be. i miss the man i know he is when he isn't consumed by hurt or insecurity and i wish i knew how to bring that out in him.
The darker part of me wonders why i miss him at all, when i think back on how he's treated me in the last couple years. that part of me just doesn't make sense of why i want this relationship to work so bad. that part of me keeps saying just walk away because nothing is going to be the same as it used to be ever again.that part of me tells me to just find someone else. then there's the grey area that causes all the pain, its where the fight comes into play with the lighter half trying to reason with his actions and the darker side thinking about how i deserve to be treated. the lighter half sees the good in him even thru the bad. the lighter half can tell that he misses me and loves me and that he just wants to feel like hes not coming second to someone else. which he isn't might i add.
The gray area in between is what has caused all this bs in the first place because some of my actions come from both sides causing pain and confusion for him. part of me tries to move on because all of this is really hard to deal with and i don't think i should be treated badly and another part of me wants to stay because i know hes what i want and i understand why he does what he does, even if it does cause me intense pain.
so i have a feeling that if my lighter half is correct, i am controlling the future of us by my everyday actions. if i want us to be back together one day, then the best idea is to show him he was my choice and to just live my life in a way that shows him what he (and us) means to me.....and if i decide i simply cant handle all the crap anymore, i can just walk away and try to find someone else, but someone else has never been as satisfying as jb is to me....no not even jacob...because i still talked to jb like everyday when i was with jacob.
I feel like no one, not even him, understands what is going on in my head with this. so let me try to clear it up. i want to be with him and I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me. i think what happens is hes always on the defense and I'm always on the offense and its tiring. i feel like it goes like this: i know i want to be with him so i try sooo hard to make him happy...like i try to be the model girlfriend if you will... and its like going against the grain because he believes the worst and i get tired of being so perfect but perfect still not being good enough and i end up falling and messing up in some way and ruin all the hard work i did which in turn makes him believe he was right all along so he keeps the negative mentality he had the whole time and i just keep trying to make him see that's not it at all and to just give me a break already because its really him that i want i just cant keep pushing against the grain.
i think what is best is to take the time to work on myself and not worry about fixing us or finding someone else. i am broken from all of the times I've pushed to hard and fallen even harder. we still talk occasionally, and i feel like that's never going to change. its usually me contacting him, which bothers me a bit but i feel like that's because he thinks "why should i care about her when she doesn't care about me? I'm better than stooping to the level of being with someone who thinks they are settling for me because i know what i have to offer." but thats the thing i dont feel like im setteling for him because i see how great he is, i just feel like sometimes he treats me really bad and i deserve better. i guess what he doesnt see is i want him to give me better, i have no interest in trying to find better in someone else. this 'relationship' is so messed up right now its just one huge tangled miscommunication that's blown out of proportion...we really just need a lot of time to let the dust settle.
Monday, March 14, 2011
take 5
I have so much going on in my life that i just dont care to share with anyone, but i still want to write. I think i may take a break from blogging and just keep my own private journal for awhile. maybe ill just take notes throughout the week and keep a post once a week....im not sure how i want to do it, i just know i dont want all of my most personal feelings open for the public to see. so blogger, im going on vacation..ill be back.
stairmaster
Jb,
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
i hate you. i hate the way you make me feel. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had just skipped the last 5 years.the worst part about all of that? its so not true. you use to make me so fucking happy. its been so hard loving you. i miss you all the time and right now im resisting the urge to call you and scream at you and then cry because i know as soon as im busy at work i will be just fine like i always am. i dont want to miss you anymore. i dont want to think about all the happy times we had. i dont want to think about how good it felt when you held me. i hate you. what was the point of the last few years? look where it got me! no where but heartbroken. we were supposed to work. i know everything happens for a reason and we probably are better off not being together....but just like i originally worried now your not here at all not even as a friend. you used to be my very best friend. just think of all the heartache i could have saved us both if i had just kept it that way. youd still be here now. i hate you. i hate worrying about the moment i find out youve hooked up with someone else or that you have a new gf. i know im gonna be crushed....and i hate you for it already. i miss you so much ugh why do you have to be so stupid. God this hurts so much. why does this have to be so harddddddd.
killing me softly
i hate you i hate you i hate you! i was doing SO GOOD until this morning when i woke up so upset and so freaked out. i hate having weird dreams. i dreamnt that i was just walking penny and suddenly there were snakes everywhere i looked it was so scary, i could barely move. and then i like ran home and penny shit because she was so scared too and i ran inside and jb was making me this crazy present that he said hed spent an hour on and he got me this white jacket i wanted years ago...and he said he really missed me and he really wanted to cuddle, it seemed so real i was like omgsh me too lets do it then it hurt just that much more to wake up and remember whats really going on. ive done so good lately about not missing him not thinking about him..since friday i have been perfectly okay and then i go and have a stupid dream like that and it makes me upset all over again. then i tried to go back to sleep and dreamnt that i ran into him at school and invited him out for lunch and we ended up back at my house and we were about to hook up and i noticed he was missing condomns and when i asked about it he said he had already hooked up with someone else. i want to beat him stupid right now. i almost gave in and called him to scream at him for being such an asshole...but im sure that wouldnt make any sense for one and i dont want to talk to him, i know im just upset because a stupid dream. i honestly feel so sick like i could throw up right now. i wish i could just be over this whole thing already. i am so tired of missing him and wanting him. i just want to be moved on already. i have to get ready for work....
Friday, March 11, 2011
pursuit of happiness
i need to get out of here, take a vacation alone. im not sure when im gonna go but im definately not telling anyone when i do. my life is just so stressful and im doing my best to just ignore all the bullshit and move ahead but one thing or another always comes up. right now i just want time away from everyone. i dont know if becoming a hermet will really help or not, but i cant deal with anything going on right now.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
work was long, it dragged by really fast if that makes sense at all. i was so emotional all day on top of being exhausted from working all day....lets not do that again. i think i want to get a tattoo to remind myself to always put me first. im either doing that or buying some new smokin stuff lol..whichever i figure out first i guess. hell, maybe both. im feeling pretty destructive so hey what the hell why not?! im on that pursuit of happiness.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
tell me its real
I'm finding myself in a really good place in my life right now. I am happy with my job, all my needs are taken care of, i have good friends, and i love my puppy....and for when the dog is annoying i can always play with the kitty. i think jb and i will continue to be good friends and stay in touch and that makes me happy... and i think i've found enough distractions for when i start to miss him from cooking to movies to catching up with new and old friends to painting and scrapbooking...ive got tons of stuff to distract me.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
fake it till you make it, and i think im starting to make it. or maybe im just having a good day lol. either way, i slept great and im happy today enjoying my day off. i went to get some yogurt this morning (which my wonderful manager gave me for free) and i asked him about hours and actually picked up 2 more shifts this weeked...which means ill be working open to close friday and saturday...27 hours at the least...its okay i asked for it because i want the hours. soon ill be taking a well needed vacation and ill be happy to just wander aimlessly. i need it. im gonna take tons of pictures, and just see where the road takes me. im gonna turn my phone off and just enjoy music and the open road for a few days..i think im gonna bring bella with me. well i need to get to the store so ill write more another time.
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