Theres something about him that is just so damn hard to let go. Im writing this because its been quite awhile since we've talked and i dont want to change that, despite what im about to type....
Insanity is commonly defined as doing the same thing expecting different results. I think i have been insane for the last couple years. Lately, like in the last couple months i've been mostly doing my own thing and occasionally slipping and talking to him again then remembering why i stopped in the first place.
I have come to the conclussion that i am still deeply in love with the idea of my ex yet totally and completely despise who he actually is. its a strange place to be. I find it difficult to really move on completely because who he was...who he isnt anymore and i have to remind myself constanly that he never will be again,....who he was is everything i want and more. Its hard to have what you want, or atleast what you think is what you want ,at arms reach and still have to go look for it someplace else. its like subway telling me that dont sell subs.
Moving on is a ridiculously painful process. i miss him everyday. i'm both happy and disappointed everyday when i dont hear from him. i guess in some small way im still expecting..and somewhat morbidly hoping...for him to come-to and realize he's let go of what we had and come running after me. I still cry everyday because he hurt me so deeply and i just dont understand how in hell he could have ever done that to me. i still have nightmares every night. I still cant sleep because hes in all my dreams. I still roll over to cuddle with him then snap awake realizing im in bed alone only to realize what i was doing.
In the process of packing and moving i've been finding all of our happy memories, all the letters full of broken promises and evidence that it was real...which is what caused this random blog...idk how else to get it out and i dont want to keep it in. my heart is so completely broken at the loss of him. im sureeee i'll find someone better suited for me, but that doesnt take away an ounce of the pain. and theres no doubt that i love him unconditionally because no matter what he does or has done to me, i always forgive him and i still want just him...forever... but im chosing to move on because i have to override my feelings for what time has shown me.
a fairly relevent quotes come to mind. "memories keep the feelings alive." true story. so i decided that if i really am moving on and never looking back, i have to kill the memories. that means burn pile, new apartment, and new phone number. I've already deleted all his pictures from my fb profile pic album and im getting rid of all the things we had together. and i made a tough decision for my best interest. i have until sunday and noon to get all the feelings, thoughts, and stories out. i have until i am officially moved out of this apartment. then im not going to speak of it again.
im hoping that if i make the conscious effort not to talk about him it will make me stop thinking about him and give me the opportunity to truly move on. and to ensure he cant call me from his phone or someone elses im thinking of changing my number.thats assuming he would try to..which at this moment seems like a waste of my time because he doesnt want me anymore and im well aware of it. These are important changes for me tho bc they make it so that he wont know where i live, wont know my number, and wont be able to contact me via fb bc i blocked him. *takes a deep breath* i find myself wishing it had just worked. I really loved him....strike that, love him...present tense. it probably wont ever go away. he really was everything i wanted...i just dont get it. but the part of him that ive tried to hold on to for so long is dead and gone and i am only hurting and hindering myself trying to revive it.
So now i lay in my bed, another night thinking of him...missing him, wishing he was here, wishing things were different, wishing i could just wake up and realize that its all been a bad dream. i lay here crying at the knowledge that its over. and eveytime i get the overwhelming urge to give in and call him i force myself to think of every way he has and is hurting me and i put the phone down, roll over and put my face in my pillow and just scream and cry because the pain is too much to bare. here's to another sleepless night.
